101 Ways To Annoy Jareth
by TwistedKat
Summary: How to annoy a Goblin King! Rating due to language
1. Chapter 1

As I had said in a quick note, I've decided to add little stories to each of the things I said to do to annoy Jareth

_As I had said in a quick note, I've decided to add little stories to each of the things I said to do to annoy Jareth. I know there __won't actually be 101 (because some points led to another etc) but I hope you all enjoy!_

**101 Ways to Annoy the Goblin King**

**1: Replacing his tight tights with short shorts (Oh this should be fun)**

It was one of those rare nights in the goblin kingdom; when all was calm and quiet, as if the land had fallen into some kind of tranquil dream. The creatures of the land had retired for the night; resting their weary heads in anticipation of the day to come. The owls hooted gently into the night; their calls flowing into a melodic tune across the kingdom. The stars shined bright in a velvet sky, and the walls of the deserted labyrinth glistened softly in the moonlight. All was well in the Labyrinth; well, except for the strangely high pitched and nonstop screaming from a certain blonde haired king!

"How the bloody hell did that happen?! What am I supposed to do?! HOW THE HELL DID YOU MANAGE TO SHRINK MY TROUSERS?!"

As their master ranted and raved, the poor goblins tried their best to point out the giggling mess of a girl behind him. It had only been 24 hours and already this girl had gotten them in trouble. They knew their King should not have laughed when she swore she'd get her revenge. Something about how she had said it made it sound so… ominous. But they never really considered this. Was this what she had been planning? If only they had known…

The girl continued to giggle as the Goblin King stared incredulously at his once famous tight trousers that were now tight shorts. He fumed at the cowering goblins before him, daring one of them to speak. He knew it was the girl. It HAD to have been the girl. His subjects weren't stupid enough to mess about with his wardrobe. _'But how to prove it?' _he wondered to himself. He swivelled round and placed his glare on the girl in question – a girl who looked considerably red in the face as she tried to stop another insane outburst of laughter. "If this is your idea of revenge then, uh, well played", he said, trying desperately to make his trademark smirk look real, "But try something like this again, and you will regret it!"

The girl pretended to look shocked, "Why, Jareth! I'd never do something like that!" Of course, laughing didn't really help. She flashed him a dopey grin before telling him to shut up so that she could get some sleep and then walked off.

He decided he should keep a closer eye on this mischievous little being.

_A/N – Yea, I know it's short. I'll try and make the others longer. If I can't, I'll make sure I post more than one next time. __But this should give you an idea anyway… Enjoy!_


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N glad you guys like. Thanks for all the reviews and fav's _

**Annoying Jareth**

**Stealing his socks**

It was a beautiful morning in the goblin kingdom, and the sun was splitting through the trees. A very disgruntled blonde King made his way down to the kitchen, bare footed. He scowled as he threw the door open to find an annoying young girl already at the table grinning inanely at him. He narrowed his eyes and threw her the best glare he could manage. He knew this was her fault; it had to be. I mean, how do you lose a hundred pairs of socks? It's impossible!

A goblin stood at the table idly, wondering if he should speak or if he should just go back to hiding a long with the other goblins. It didn't help matters that he was trying his damndest to hide a snigger. Especially after what happened to the last goblin who laughed at Jareth over his trousers; or lack of. He looked incredulously at the goblin, "Why is it no matter how many millions of socks I buy I never seem to have any?" The goblin shrugged and watched his master turn on the girl. "Honestly, you'd think someone was coming in here, stealing the damn things, and then selling them off".

Jareth growled as her only reply was to throw him a cheeky grin before bouncing off down the hallway. "Pfft, if she thinks_ that _is revenge, then she has no idea". He smirked as he eyed the door then girl had just exited through. He chuckled at the small goblin that still cowered before him, "I'll let her have her childish bout of vengeance. Not like it's anything bad". He glared at the now giggling goblin before kicking it across the throne room. "Bloody goblins"

_Sorry it's so short, I got a bit lost._

_Jareth's line about socks came from Blackadder the third, hehe_


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N – Making up for taking so long to update stories and for the shortness of these chapters by uploading a couple at a time. Hope you guys like it__. Also, sorry it's another short one shrugs_

**Annoying Jareth**

**3 & 4 - Playing Tag**

Jareth laid sprawled on the cold stone floor glaring at the high ceiling that he swore was mocking him. He didn't need to guess what happened. That damn girl had ran and pummelled into him shouting "Tag". She'd been doing it all fucking week! He wasn't sure what new kind of crazy this was, but he wasn't going to give in to it. Okay, maybe he was, but just to teach her a lesson!

"Me, playing tag; how absurd", he pulled himself up and started in the direction he'd seen the girl disappear. "I'm not playing tag", he continued to reassure himself, "I'm just giving her a taste of her own medicine". He smirked at that and continued down the hallway until he found the girl staring idly at one of his many paintings. "Puuuuuuurfect" he grinned and began running towards her. He saw the girls head turn in surprise just as he pounced at her and yelled "Tag" gleefully. He landed on both feet and spun to smirk triumphantly down at her mangled form.

Of course his smirk disappeared when he saw the girl laughing insanely at him. "What? What the hell is so funny?!" The girl hiccupped in a few breaths before answering in the same manner, "Is it", giggle, "hard, "giggle, "to run in those boots?" more giggling, "Or" hiccup, "do you actually run like that?"

He knew his mouth was hanging open. He knew his hair was bound to be a wild mess from lunging at her. He also realised lunging at her probably did look rather odd. And he knew that these boots weren't exactly made for running. Yet still he stood there simply watching the girl who was laughing hysterically on_ his _floor in _his _castle and at _his _expense. Now Jareth knew where the term white hot rage came from

_Once again, sorry it's so short. I promise the next one will be longer!_


	4. Chapter 4

A/N – Sorry I've taken so long to update

_A/N – Sorry I've taken so long to update. Been busy with uni. Thanks to all of you who have reviewed and fav'd ^_^_

**Annoying Jareth **

**5 – Stealing babies**

Manic goblin laughter could be heard echoing through the halls of the castle. Along with cheesy 80's music and enough glitter to suffocate someone. Yet another baby had been wished away into the goblin world. For some reason they celebrated this phenomenon. It confused the girl to great lengths as to why they would celebrate being sent a child that would cry, poop and puke for 13 hours. Although technically it wasn't much different from the goblins – and it would become a goblin soon enough – you could at least fill them with beer so they passed out and left her alone. Speaking of which, said girl was finishing off her fourth beer. She did have an excuse. The damned baby had been crying non stop for 3 hours. Passing out from alcohol consumption seemed like the best route to take. She silently cursed the goblin king as she moved onto her fifth.

Said goblin king was tapping his riding crop against his leg impatiently as he felt the vein on his forehead thump harder. He growled at the crying baby that the goblins were _still _trying to console. He glanced over at the young woman as she promptly moved onto her 6th beer and sighed. Today was going to be a long day. Between a crying baby that would soon become an annoying little goblin and the mischievous and soon to be drunk girl. He had finally found his socks, and found a way around the strange and annoying tag games. It had been a full week since she'd tried that again. He smirked to himself, but felt it fall off his face as he began to dread what was to come next.

6 hours in. Only 7 left. The baby had finally stopped crying, but he didn't dare believe it would last long. He quickly shifted his gaze towards the table and let out a sigh of relief at the sight of the girls face stuck to the table. Once again, he didn't dare believe it would last long.

7 hours in – not much change. Baby making irritating gurgling noises.

8 hours. 9 hours. 10 hours. Baby starting crying again.

11 hours – girl seemed to be stirring, but simply turned her head. Thank god for that. Baby's still bloody crying

12 hours – It's too good to be true. The baby has stopped crying and the girl hasn't moved.

12 ½ hours – Still no change. Feeling slightly nervous. A sense of foreboding has fallen over the castle.

Less than half an hour to go, the goblin king dug his fingers into the arms of his throne. _It's nearly over_, he told himself. _Only 20 minutes left_. He felt the vein in his forehead twitch. He stared blankly as the baby screeched and the girl bounced up from her chair and sped past him, sweeping up the baby screaming, "IT'S MINE! IT'S MINE!!" and running off cackling manically. He sat up a blinked, feeling slightly confused. 20 minutes he heard a blood curdling scream as a goblin he did not recognise flew past him. This was followed by a female blur with a brush. Yep, today was definitely going to be a long day.


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N – I promise I'll update more often. Honestly!_

_Many thanks to reviewers:-_

_Rinaya Faeleth_

_A storm in a tea cup_

_Notwritten_

_13figureskater-Draco'sgirl_

_Sylphxpression_

_DeathCalledForWrestling_

_CelloSolo2007_

_WintherRose_

_SerenBunny_

_Mentally Insane Fangirl_

_DethRose_

_Flame Wightstar_

_The Banshee's Tears_

_Biggest'takahashi'fan_

_Princess of the Fae_

_Opera-Gypsy_

_EvilChildOfDarkness_

_Lakara Valentine_

_Hope you all continue to enjoy!_

**Annoying Jareth**

**6 – Straight and Sleek**

Today was an unusually quite day. The goblins had limited there hysterical laughter, after the last fiasco landed quite a few into the bog of stench. They had returned to a state of normalcy – which involved drinking and laughing at none other than their masters' jokes. However, today, as I have said, was an unusually quite day. Why you ask? Their newest resident had disappeared. At first, the king had been ecstatic. Finally the tiny curse with blonde hair had beggared off and left him alone. And then came the boredom, quickly followed by paranoia. Having spent the last few months being tackled by said curse had left him 'mildly' cautious. Okay, so walking down the hall gave him slight panic attacks. He kept expecting to be bowled over by a blonde blur and spending the rest of the day being mocked or losing brain cells via insane drabble and pointless tirades. Jareth was quickly becoming restless.

He knew the girl was still within his lands. No one entered nor left the labyrinth without him knowing. But where was she? He had guards continuously searching the land. Of course, he knew not to put much faith in his servants. They tended to be distracted by shiny things. It's funny how no one seemed to make the connection between their short attention span and his fascination of using insane amounts of glitter. Then again, no one truly dared to question him on anything. The thought alone was insane. Which brings us back to the tiny blonde haired curse; She questioned him about everything, and quite regularly. Well, more like she commented on his blatant love of tight trousers quite regularly – and loudly.

As dusk descended on the 7th day the king decided the girl had probably found somewhere within his labyrinth to live peacefully – peacefully as no one had come to him crying, yelling or bleeding to death. So it was with a heavy heart that he took one last glance out over his lands before making his way to his room. He was slightly saddened that he'd no longer have the strange distractions anymore, although he'd never admit that out loud. He was so deep in thought that the sound of two footsteps didn't even faze him. Of course suddenly being tackled by something small wasn't just as easy to ignore. He scowled and began to reprimand the girl when a strange container was shoved into his hands. "What, pray, is this?"

"You looked depressed, so I thought it would help." With that the girl wandered off singing to herself. He glanced down curiously at the bottle. He growled and threw the bottle in the direction of the insane blonde.

"What the hell is straight and sleek?"

Some people just don't have a sense of humour.

_A/N – sorry it's being a wee while. Had a presentation to do for uni. Sorry it's so short as well. I'll try and make them a lil longer!  
_


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N – I know I'm always promising to update sooner, but I'm off for about 3 weeks now so will definitely be updating more lol._

_Thanks for all the reviews and favs ^_^_

**Annoying Jareth**

**7 (**and 8**) – Labyrinth Songs**

The king of the goblins slumbered softly in his grand bed, dreaming of all sorts of wonderful things; stealing babies, kicking goblins into the bog of eternal tech, setting his new tenant on fire. He stirred as an odd noise filtered through the air, a noise that sounded suspiciously like someone attempting to play a violin with a cat – or a cat being sodomised by a violin. Jareth found it quite hard to focus seeing as he'd been woken at 3 in the morning. After several unsuccessful attempts to ignore the wailing – that was now beginning to sound strangely familiar – he decided to go and investigate. He knew that wasn't exactly the smartest idea, mostly because he knew exactly who was behind the noise that was violating his ears, but ignoring it would not make it stop. He'd tried that before.

He left his room and cautiously made his way towards the horrid sound. He suddenly found it was coming from _his _throne room. However, before he barged in, he finally realised what was so familiar about the horrendous noise. He gritted his teeth and stomped into the room in the middle of the song 'Chilly down'. At least that explained the high pitched screeching. He knew what he expected to find. This was not it. Yes, the horde of goblins he expected. The abnormal amount of glitter and a girl stumbling around the place dressed in a toga was not. Of course, this realisation did not stop the noise that could only be classed as 'noise pollution'.

"Chilly down with the fire gang!

Think small with the fire gang!

Bad hep with the fire gang!

When your thing gets wild,

Chilly down"

The screeching stopped as the girl finally realised he was there. "About bloody time. Now could you please let me get some sleep? It's 3 am and some of us have to get up in the morning. Running a kingdom is not easy you know!"

This statement was duly acknowledge by a scary drunken version of 'Underground'

"No one can blame you  
For walking away  
Too much rejection  
No love injection"

The actions that accompanied this song have been deleted due to certain parties – namely one goblin king – declaring them to be indecent innuendos and a violation to every law known to every being on earth and beyond. Needless to say, Jareth didn't get much sleep that night.

_A/N - … I think I've lost my mind. Could someone help me find it?_


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N – Told you I'd update more often lol. Nah, thought I'd make up for taking so long by giving you a few new chapters ^_^ Enjoy!_

**Annoying Jareth**

**9, 10 & 11 – The firey's and the castle**

Jareth once again woke to an odd sound. This time, it was silence. Last time this had happened he'd had a week of paradise. In other words, he had a week of freedom from the new inhabitant that he couldn't even bring himself to call a girl anymore. He warily got out of bed and made his way over to the window. What he saw wasn't overly odd, but he can't say it didn't shock him. Said 'creature' he was thinking about was sitting a few feet away from the castle's gate in a deck chair, with what looked like a beer. A bit early in the morning for that, but she didn't seem to be causing any trouble so he let it slide.

The rest of the morning seemed to continue that way. The creature of evilness kept to her deck chair, only relieving her position for necessities. Of course, the goblin king only knew this because he was suspicious of the creature's motives. He was not at all curious as to how the creature could be so content to spend hours in a little chair outside the castle. It wasn't even a particularly nice day. The weather wasn't bad, but not great either. So that ruled out sunbathing. _'What is she up to?'_

The afternoon rolled by and still Jareth had no answers. The 'creature' still remained in her chair. He had thought that perhaps it was to deter people, or scare people away – which he would most definitely condone – however this had not been the cause. He was beginning to grow a little irritated, and slightly nervous. He'd never seen the creature stay in one place so long. Well, not without being tied up and even then she had put up one hell of a struggle. As it got late into the afternoon Jareth could no longer contain his curiosity. He approached the creature. _'Curiosity killed the cat you know.'_

"What exactly are you doing out here?" he decided, quite a long time ago, being straight forward was the easiest way to deal with her. Most of the time anyway.

He shuddered as the creature turned her head and smiled at him sweetly and said, "Waiting for the show to start".

Completely baffled and slightly disturbed the king returned to his castle and decided to ignore the dirty rascal. That was quite obviously the wrong idea. A little under an hour later the answer he wanted came to him in a fiery horde; quite literarily. The creature had shown the firey's where the castle was and had simply been biding her time. He swore he heard cackling.

As he looked over the remnants of his beloved throne room – it hadn't actually taken long to remove the firey's, nor was it hard, they were just that fuckin' quick at destroying everything – he realised that this was one of these times that being straight forward had not worked. Well, it hadn't worked for him. Next time, he should really ask what she means when she says 'show'.

_A/N – not overly funny I know…but I couldn't think what else to write._


	8. Chapter 8

_A/N – On a bit of a roll here. Hope they get a bit funnier or at least give you a lil giggle!_

**Annoying Jareth**

**12 – That is **_**not **_**my name**

Jareth was getting fed up with the creature. To make it worse, he had guests arriving this evening; guests who had been present at his defeat by Sarah. So saying he felt apprehensive was the understatement of the century, nay, of any century. It was about as accurate as saying General Melchett was sane. Yes, he had succumbed and watched some of the shows the creature seemed to spend most of her time watching and cackling over. Some he had found quite witty; though he would never admit that. Speaking of which, the creature seemed to be gawking at yet another 'TV' show that he had yet to watch. Thankfully the creature was oblivious to life itself at these times, therefore she had no idea Jareth was watching along with here. I mean, therefore she was unlike to disturb tonight's festive's. Jareth left to oversee the decorations in the main hall and made a mental note to watch more about the fellow named Rimmer.

The decorations were perfect, the food and drink was splendid, and the guests began to arrive. The party was going off without a hitch. Of course, by now our fair king knew not to be over optimistic. The creature would probably rear her ugly head at some point. However, he had left a guard there just in case. He needed someone of equal compatibility to keep her distracted long enough that she'd either give up on coming down, or at least would follow them instead. A goblin seemed to be a perfect match for her – both unbelievably dumb and slightly insane. Unfortuntely, some of the guests had already gotten wind of his new tenant.

"So Jareth, I believe there is a new human stalking the halls of your castle", this statement was followed by quite a few girlish giggles. Jareth sighed.

"Yes, yes there is. And no, she is nothing like Sarah. And no, you are not here for another ballroom scene" he added at the end through gritted teeth as he seen a flicker go through the man's eyes.

"So where is she? Is she not joining in with the party?" a girl asked this time.

"Yea, I heard she was a real partier" said another through stifled giggles.

Jareth just smiled sweetly, "I'm sure you'll meet her later." He pointedly decided to ignore the fact that he actually wanted her to come down now.

As if on cue, the creature appeared at the door. And, of course, all eyes landed on her. This did not faze her in the slightest as she came in and helped herself to some punch. This was quickly spat out, "Where the hell is the beer?" She looked around desperately, eyes falling upon Jareth. The manic grin the spread across her face should have been a warning. "Oi, Julian, where's the beer?"

If the room hadn't already gone silent, I would have said silence descended across the hall. So if you can imagine silence upon silence, you've got the right atmosphere. Of course our king breaks the silence first.

"My name is _not _Julian." He glared in the direction of stifled laughter.

"Oh yes, of course Jerard, forgive me."

This was met by an outburst of laughter from a small group of people near the back. Everyone else was too close to Jareth to dare laughing. Seeing blind fury in someone tends to put you off.

"My name is _not _Jerard!"

The creature continued to smile sweetly, "Oh, I am so sorry Jareth. My mind was elsewhere. Was thinking back to stories Hoggle told me. It was very nice of you to leave him with me." And with that she left.

Jareth froze. He had left Hoggle with her. She had told him this, in front of nearly everyone he knew. These people had been present through-out most of the 13 hours Sarah spent in his Labyrinth. Only one word seemed to cross his mind. _Shit._

The laughter could still be heard echoing through the castle and Labyrinth the next day. The unnatural heat that day we believe was caused by a massive amount of embarrassment.

_A/N – I have no idea._


	9. Chapter 9

_A/N – I know I should stop now before my brain gives up… Nah. Enjoy!_

**Annoying Jareth**

**13 – Yes, your majesty**

The creature had been oddly nice this past week, and Jareth was getting slightly concerned. There seemed to be no plan behind it at all. There was absolutely nothing she could gain. He had even continued to be nasty to her, but with no avail. Everything was, "yes, your majesty", "No, your majesty" and "Of course, your majesty". It was actually a little annoying. He had plenty of people to act like that. This did not mean the king wanted her to return to normal – well if you could class her as normal – but he didn't exactly want her to act like this either. But of course, all good things must come to an end. And this being a good thing, did come to an end. A very tragic end. And it all started with a giggle.

It was the beginning of the second week and Jareth was practically ignoring ever word out of the creature's mouth. That was until one of his goblins giggled. He glared at said goblin, and felt quite smug as the goblin began shifting uneasily. He then redirected his gaze to the creature standing politely before him. There was no hint of a smile, nor did she have anything sharp or shiny, so he felt it safe to assume she was not responsible for the goblins outburst. He returned to staring into one of his crystal balls, waiting for the boy inside to say the wish. Some people really took far too long. "Could somebody please get me a glass of water? I do not want to sound raspy and half dead when this boy finally says the damn words."

"Of course, your majesty" The king raised his head to this statement. I would like to ask the readers to remember a scene from Bottom when Eddy is practicing saying "your majesty". Failing that, trying saying it with your fingers clamped around your nose. This is precisely what Jareth heard. The giggles and snorts from his goblin confirmed what he had heard, but the creature had already left. However, oddly enough, she did return with a glass of water.

"Um, thank you" he said as he carefully retrieved the glass from her. And like all good comedians, she waited until he took a large gulp to reply.

"Your welcome, your maj-ja-ja-ja-jesty"

And as predicted several goblins got soaked and the rest laughed quite a lot. I'm aware it was predictable, but it doesn't make it less funny. It's especially worth it when you get to witness the most beautiful scene ever. A drenched goblin king with an incredulous look on his face.

The king, though slightly irritated, decided to overlook this strange outburst and carried on with the job at hand. Stealing a baby from a stupid, lazy young man who couldn't be arsed to look after it.

Of course, it didn't end there. After spending most of the day listening to the creature saying "Your Majesty" in the strangest and oddest ways possible he decided it was time to see what had finally pushed the creature clean over the line that was known as sanity. Well, not really over the line. He was certain the line was nothing more than a dot to her by now.

"What exactly are you playing at this time?"

The creature raised her head, her eyes widened and her lips slightly apart. He couldn't help but be intrigued by the gentle blush that swept across her cheeks. Of course, this didn't override his initial smugness at making the girl – yes, for some reason calling her girl again seemed right – blush at him. Maybe things were finally looking up.

"Well? I demand an answer" if you thought elves were smug; they ain't got nothing on this guy.

She licked her lips and smiled awkwardly. Somehow he managed to miss that familiar flicker in her eye. She quickly grinned.

"I'm practicing Shakespeare"

_A/N – that was a horrible, horrible punch line. Please forgive me!_

_The elf smugness comes from a fanfiction called Bagenders by Lady Alyssa_


	10. Chapter 10

_A/N – Enjoy_

**Annoying Jareth**

**14 – The Superglue**

Jareth glared at the creature who was currently staring at him. He was glad that it had shut up and sat down for longer than 5 seconds, but it was getting slightly irritating. He just knew it was planning something. The way its eyes bored into his own was unsettling, but he never backed down from a challenge. Ignoring the giggles and whispers of the goblins betting on their staring contest was becoming increasingly difficult as well. He gritted his teeth and dug his nails into the arms of his throne, hoping this would deter the goblins at least. Then, surprisingly, she looked away.

The goblin king couldn't help the smug expression that painted itself over his face. For once he had beaten the damn thing that still inhabits his castle. He was particularly pleased to watch its eyes dart from him back to the table continuously; and the number of bets that had been placed on him winning. Of course he knew this was not the end of it. It never was. Whatever the creature had been planning, the odd staring competition had only been part of it. But why bother distract him when it wasn't going anywhere? He tried to think what kind of trap it had set up for him now.

That was when he noticed the small smile that begun to spread over the creatures face. She looked up at him and grinned before full out laughing. He raised an eyebrow, desperate not to look confused – or worried – at its insane behaviour. He sighed and decided he should put an end to this before the creature laughed itself to death. _'Although, that would be interesting to see', _he smiled at his inner thoughts, and then tried to get up.

The creatures howls of laughter began to fade away as it slowly dawned on him that he was in a lot of trouble. He couldn't get up. He pulled and squirmed and heaved to try and get out of the throne, all the while cursing the brat that had finally run off laughing like a maniac. He tried to think of all different spells and magic that it must have used. He gripped the arms of the throne and pulled himself free, hearing a horrific rip as he did so. That's when he saw it.

A bottle of superglue lay on the floor beside his throne. The staring contest was so he wouldn't notice it when he sat down. He screamed incoherently as he dashed off the same direction the creature had taken. Unfortunately, he failed to listen in on what new bets the goblins were taking. How long will it take for him to notice the back of his trousers are missing?

_A/N – Sorry for taking so long. I really couldn't think what to write, __and then I got a new laptop and had to go get Microsoft office again._


	11. Chapter 11

_A/N – Making up for lack of updates lol. Enjoy_

**Annoying Jareth**

**15 – Shortcut**

It was a beautiful day,

In the goblin town,

At the goblins market,

There was not a frown.

The bustled quickly,

Through stalls of food and junk,

There were all manners of things,

Though most looked like gunk.

However, our goblin king,

Most fierce but fair,

Was out in the gardens,

Pulling his hair.

He had tried in vain,

To find what was making that horrid din,

But it just got louder and louder,

Threatening to do him in.

For the creature had wandered,

Far within the labyrinths walls,

Proclaiming of a shortcut,

This would surely be his downfall.

He had tried to find her,

When the noise reached his ears,

It pulsed through his skull,

He'd never heard anything like it in all his years.

It began as a humming,

Then buzzing and spluttering,

The wise man walked past him,

Simply muttering.

The noise grew louder,

From the hedge behind,

When something cut through,

With a horrible grind.

The creature stepped through,

And he gave nothing but a tut,

When she again proclaimed,

"I found a shortcut!"

_A/N – Wanted to try something new. Hope you guys liked it._


	12. Chapter 12

_A/N – Um… I really had no idea how to write this one… so I hope its okay._

**Annoying Jareth**

**16 – Nice Jareth**

After the incident with the maze, Jareth decided to take a different approach to dealing with the creature. By the end of the week however, he was running out of ideas. Nothing seemed to work.

He had tried ignoring her. She simply talked twice as much; usually creating a conversation that was supposedly between them both. After hearing her pretending to be him, he changed tactic.

He tried being frank with her. Another failure. That usually resulted in more incidents like the maze.

He tried being frank again, though in a gentler way. It seemed to confuse her, but didn't make life any easier as she tended to cling to him then.

He tried flirting with her – yes, flirting. The results were, well, dire. It started off as her simply laughing… and ended with her turning into a psychotic fan girl.

So he decided to try being nice.

"Good morning my dear", he greeted her, bringing her breakfast in bed. She looked rather confused, but had yet to say a word. So far, success.

Later in the day he brought her a drink as she watched yet more of her annoying – yet addictive – TV shows. "I thought you would like a beer, and to remind you that you need to actually move every so often". The zombie stare could have in fact been from being engrossed in her shows rather than the offering, but he would have to wait and see.

The creature had heeded his advice and had indeed moved and was walking around the castle to stretch her legs. He decided to try again, and see what happened this time. He appeared before her, and smiled sweetly at her. "It's good to see you up and about my dear. The castle is so quiet without you."

He watched with amused, and of course apprehension, as he saw a multitude of emotions flash over her face. She looked up at him with wide eyes, and suddenly screamed. Jareth quickly stepped back when she began to laugh manically. Then she fainted. He began to think of the consequences of making her faint, especially when her head bounces off stone floor. Then he thought of the peace and quiet and decided it was most definitely worth it.

_A/N – Eh, sorry. I know this one isn't great._


	13. Chapter 13

_A/N – I'm not even going to say that I'll update more often because I always seem to jinx myself when I say that lol. So, enjoy!_

_Thanks to all who have reviewed, fav'd and watched this story ^_^ glad I could give u all a giggle!_

**Annoying Jareth**

**17-18 – Decorating!**

It was yet another beautiful day in the labyrinth. The newly grew hedges bustled slightly in the wind. The birds chirped in the trees as Jareth passed through the woods. He'd been gone for a week; One long relaxing week. Usually he hated these business trips, but a week without that thing around was definitely worth the trouble of dealing with snooty men and stuck up women. Of course, his cheery mood had gotten him into a little trouble. His mother had attempted to set him up with at least 10 different women in the space of an hour.

He was dreading his return here. He knew things could not have been easy on the goblins, being left to look after that creature on there own. He was fully ready for the list of complaints, damage and emotional trauma. As he opened the doors to his castle, he realised he should have known better. Yes, there was still going 2 be the above list… but that didn't begin to cover what she had done. He stood gaping in the doorway, watchin his goblins bustle about – happily!

The entrance halls had been literally covered in posters, most which he didn't even understand. The goblins were putting up the last few posters, much like the way mortals put up wallpaper. He decided to overlook this, for the moment anyway, in favour of finding the creature. He knew she was behind this. _'I swear if she's even dared to touch my throne room I'll…'_

His thoughts cut off abruptly as he reached the throne room; or more like where the throne room should have been. Ignoring the fact his throne was no where to be seen he instead glared at the obscene amount of glitter and beer cans. One wall was half painted blue, and if you looked at it closely enough you would've swore you saw figure shapes underneath it. The wall adjacent was painted brown. He had a slight feeling of déjà vu, but once again ignored it.

Stalking through the castle he took note of the fact that it was not just half arsed painting a papering, things were actually missing. Most he found in random places, but he could not find his throne. Suddenly he had an idea. _'The Escher room!'_

As he ran the rest of the way to his favourite room in the castle he prayed she hadn't done anything with it. As he flung open the door he fell to his knees burying his head in his hands. Groaning, he managed to ask one thing, "Why?"

"Well" the creature began, "Everywhere else was sooo boring. We were originally going to decorate, but that turned into a party pretty quickly. I moved things so they wouldn't get broke. I thought you'd be happy for that!"

"Happy? Why exactly would I be happy about this?" he waved his hand around the room. Correction, what used to be a room. His favourite room; the Escher room. That title didn't really seem fitting anymore. Storage room came to mind. And there in the middle, on top of a heap of priceless heirlooms was his throne, and the creature perched on top of it, looking around.

"I thought you'd be happy now of your valuables were broke. You're usually complaining about that. This was the only free room." And just because his luck was that bad, the pile swayed.

"Get down from there!"

"I'm not sure that's a good idea"

"I said get down"

"If you insists", and with a sigh she jumped down. The pile gave one dangerous swing then stopped. Jareth let out a sigh of relief.

Then it fell.

_A/N – sorry, I couldn't actually think what to write for this one. The blue and brown déjà vu thing was about his eyes ^_^_


	14. Chapter 14

_A/N – hmmm how many times do you think the creature should "die" through out this list? Lol_

**Annoying Jareth**

**19 – Hairstyles**

The king of the goblins was not a morning person. It didn't matter what kind of day it was, how nice the weather was, or how much coffee he managed to pump into himself before lunch rolled around. This morning was no exception. Therefore finding the creature awake at such a god awful hour did nothing to improve his spirits. It also didn't help that, being the only two awake, she seemed to think it was a good idea to speak to him.

"Good morning, your majesty. Shall I forgo the offering of coffee and inject the caffeine straight into your veins?"

"Hm… that sounds like a great idea, how about we try it on you first?" he asked through gritted teeth. He would have ignored the things comment, if she had not been on her 5th coffee herself. Though, he was more agitated that he'd broken his own vow of silence towards the creature after its last escapade. He lost quite a lot of valuable heirlooms. And for some reason his mother decided it was his fault. _'Well, there goes the chance of execution. How can something like that be that bloody lucky?'_

It was then he realised the silence. There was no smart comment, no annoying giggle or insane laugh nor any objects thrown at him. Most people would see that as a good thing. He, unfortunately, knew better. He turned to find the thing simply staring at him, mouth hanging slightly open. He decided this was something to be ignored at all costs, even if it was slightly amusing.

Unfortunately, when it came to the creature, amusement didn't last for very long. The creature had decided to follow him round the castle all morning, not only gawking but actually pointing as well. Jareth knew there was absolutely nothing wrong with the way he looked. How could there be? He used magic to dress himself and do his hair after all. Even so, he did have to check in the mirrors every so often; just to make sure.

By lunch time, our fair king, was extremely pissed off. Once again breaking his vow of silence he spun, glaring down at the creature. "What exactly are you staring at?"

This was met by a blink, and a lower of her hand. Her jaw didn't seem to want to co-operate. This was demonstrated by the unusual gurgling noise she made at him. He pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Let's try that again. Close your mouth, and then answer my question!"

The creature snapped her mouth shut and tilted her head to the side.

"Well? Answer me!"

"You're hair looks funny"

That was when the inhabitants of the Labyrinth learnt exactly what the term 'Don't blow a fuse' meant.

_A/N – I loves the creature ^_^ don't fret dear readers. The castle's reconstruction will be finished shortly_


	15. Chapter 15

_A/N – I is cold ___

**Annoying Jareth**

**20 – 21 – the crystal ball**

Jareth had disappeared again; although this time he stayed in the castle. There was no way he was going to let that little monster damage anymore of his property. So he dutifully – not sulkily, he most definitely was **not **sulking – locked himself in his room. So when he heard something smash, he did not immediately run out to cry over whatever was broken. Oh no, he coolly and calmly made his way down to the throne room. Then he burst out in a mad panicked rush as he realised it was his throne room being destroyed.

Jareth stared in utter horror and the thousands of tiny pieces of glass that littered his throne room, then at the creature juggling his crystal balls. He would have cried. If he was a lesser man, he surely would have cried. Instead he settled for falling into his throne, beyond shocked, as he continued to watch the creature play with his magic.

The creature froze, dropping two of the crystals in the process, and looked happily at the king. "I was practicing for you. Wanted to do something to cheer you up!" she said as she grinned. Jareth simply shook his head, too far gone for words. This of course led to the creature getting far too close to him. "Hmmm… are you feeling okay today?" she checked his temperature. Unfortunately, at that exact moment the king came back to reality, his fury burning the creature's hand.

"What the fuck do you think you are doing?! How dare you practice juggling with my magic!! I should have you executed!!"

"What again?"

The king growled and the creature sniggered. She lifted one of the crystals up to her face and waved her hand over it. "My precious little crystal ball sees all my dear!" she proclaimed with a cackle.

Jareth sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. He opened his mouth to, calmly, reprimand the thing, when he noticed the frown across her face.

"What? What is it? What do you see?" curious much?

The creature blinked and looked up at him, worry etched across her face. "Your fortune doesn't look too good"

Needless to say, many more crystal balls were broken, much blood was shed and much alcohol was consumed. Thus concludes another day in the life of The King and The Creature.


	16. Chapter 16

_A/N – The creature should really be dead by now… but it's far too much fun!_

_I don't think I ever did a disclaimer for this O_o but I think it's painfully obvious that I do not own the Labyrinth or Jareth. You all know what would happen if I did. _

**Annoying Jareth**

**22 – Goblin love**

The aftermath of the crystal ball war had left the goblins quite irritable. Some had had the unfortunate luck of being stuck in the middle; though, that didn't stop Jareth from making them clean. Yes, he made the goblins clean up the mess. Many had to go back and forth to the infirmary – it's a castle, it has to have an infirmary! – to get pieces of crystal/glass removed from the hands and feet. The creature would have been forced to clean too if it weren't for the fact she was being left to rot in a cell.

Jareth sat idly on his throne, watching the goblins slowly tidy up the mess, grumbling something about fairness and equality, words that he was sure they never knew before. _'Damn Sarah and damn the creature! Teaching the goblins things they shouldn't know.' _He grinded his teeth, suppressing the urge to growl, when a goblin actually came up to him. "Um, Master?"

"What is it?" he snapped.

"I don't mean to complain" he glared at the goblin. "But, eh, some of the tasks are a little difficult."

Jareth quirked an eyebrow, "Such as?"

The goblin pointed towards the ceiling and Jareth let his gaze follow. The blast marks from his magic had practically stained the entire ceiling black, the chandelier was holding on by determination alone and the windows near the roof were smashed. He sighed and stood up. "Stand back"

Meanwhile, a goblin sat disorientated at the stairs by the prison. He knew something had happened, he just couldn't figure out what the hell it was.

Jareth stood back, rubbing his hands together and admiring his work. The windows were fixed, the chandelier was reattach and shining brighter than ever and the ceiling was back to its usual splendour. "There" he said triumphantly, "Now, to clean up the rest of this glass."

He waved his hand across the floor, summoning the remaining bits of crystal and glass over to the bin, sweeping the dust off the floor as he went. He smiled down at the little goblin. "Go and rest"

He sat down on his throne, gazing smugly at his work when he heard a whistle at the door. The creature looked at him with awe, before bursting out in a song, the tune sounding oddly familiar.

"And they call it, goblin loooooooooooveeeeeeeeeee!!!!"

So much for cleaning the throne room. He'd really have to find a new place to try and slaughter the creature.


	17. Chapter 17

_A/N – making up for lack of updates ^_^_

**Annoying Jareth**

**23 – The Wizard of What?**

Jareth knew he had left the mask here. The rest of the costume was still in the trunk, so it made sense that the mask would still be here. Of course this could be part of the creatures whole 'lets cheer Jareth up with a play' plan. Stealing wasn't exactly a way to cheer him up, but it must have needed it for the play; a play Jareth had never heard of mind you. It had babbled something about a scarecrow and a tin man, but he had chosen to ignore it. Too be honest, he was a little worried about where this was going.

Downstairs he heard the tell tale signs that the creature was up to something – things breaking and manic laughter. He felt his heart plummet and the air around him freeze as it spoke.

"How about a little fire scarecrow?"

He flew down the stairs, sprinting towards the kitchen where he knew they were 'rehearsing'. And the only place that had an unlimited access to fire. _'Oh dear god no!'_

He kicked the kitchen door down, staring in wonder as the goblins and creature turned to look at him. The kitchen was spotless, save for a few bits of fruit and bread littered around the floor. Nothing was even broke. _'Then what the hell was that smashing noise?' _Jareth looked carefully at his mask. _'Not even a scratch!' _What was going on.

"Ahem", the creature tapped its foot, hands on its hips. "We are trying to rehearse."

He glared at it, "I heard something smashing!"

A goblin dropped it gaze to the floor and shuffled his feet. Jareth saw the broken plate lying in front of it. He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. He was used to the goblins breaking plates. The damn creature was making him far too jumpy. Then again, when it mentions fire, who wouldn't be jumpy?

"Fine, fine. I'll let you get back to work", he said, turning to leave.

"Going so soon? I wouldn't hear of it. Why my little party's just beginning" the creature cackled.

"The hell?" the goblin king looks funny when he is confused, don't ya think?

"I'll get you my pretty!"

To say Jareth's mother was surprised to find him running around the castle being chased by a small cackling girl was an understatement.

_A/N – a cliff-hanger? Never! Lol won't be much of one seeing as I is giving you lots of updates today. The creatures quotes are from the wicked witch in Wizard of Oz_


	18. Chapter 18

_A/N – believe it or not, I've actually only found a way to reply properly to reviews O_o the joy of a short attention span lol._

**Annoying Jareth**

**24 – Duckies**

Jareth froze. The creature hid. The power emanating through the room was almost suffocating. He stared, shocked at his latest visitor, dropping his whip as his hand trembled. He knew today was going to be a disaster, but he had not imagined the epic proportion. He gulped, fully facing the woman before him.

"Hello mother."

The goblins rushed about, furiously trying to tidy the place up before the 'scary lady' could set foot anywhere else. Of course their king could have used his magic… if he hadn't already been using all the power he had to stop himself from crying. _'Why now? Why? I swear that woman has a sixth sense just so she can turn up at the most embarrassing bloody moment!' _

He followed his mothers gaze over towards the throne, spying the creature hiding behind it. Holding back the smirk that threatened to spread across his face he looked back towards his mother and said, "Well, I guess I was wrong," his mothers eyes widened in surprise as she looked back at him, "Dumb animals can sense evil."

Jareth felt the slap was an extremely outrageous over-reaction.

When the goblins had finally cleaned the dinning room mother and son sat down to a 'lovely' family meal to 'catch up'. In other words his mother had come over here to nosey at the creature, make fun of him, embarrass him and gossip. After all, what were mothers for?

"So Jareth, this girl I saw you chasing…"

Yep, it was going to be a long night.

Actually, it was a long weekend. Thankfully the alcohol was plentiful and the creature had buggered off somewhere. He hadn't heard any screaming or smashing so he didn't bother looking for it. Didn't mean it wasn't up to something, but at least it was being quite about it. Of course, if he'd seen the note it had left him instead of trying to get rid of his mother as quickly as possible he could have at least expected something like this.

The creature had over-heard his mother talking about needing some kind of protection for the castle other than brain dead goblins. This ran into a long tirade about Sarah, which the creature giggled at quite a lot – and was very proud that she remained silent – when the idea came to her. The only place actually unguarded was the moat. She thought it was a masterpiece, the queen thought it was rather funny, and Jareth thought of a lot of curse words.

"How inventive of you, but I doubt rubber ducks are going to scare away much", she stopped to think about that, "except maybe the goblins themselves." The queen laughed, bending to pick up one of the ducks when Jareth quickly shooed her away.

"I'll be sure to send you a duck mother if you really want one, but for now I have a lot of work to do so-

"Okay, okay, I'm leaving. Goodbye son and goodbye young lady" the queen couldn't help the snort of laughter as the creature looked round to see who the queen was talking to and quickly departed.

Jareth rounded on the creature. "I just have one question: why?"

As the creature opened it mouth to reply, a large explosion went off to their right. A goblins arm landed in front of Jareth, it's hand covered in what looked like melted yellow rubber. The creature grinned.

"You call 'em rubber duckies, I call 'em explosives… codename operation 'duck-tastic'."

Jareth stared shocked. His mind played back to a few minutes before when his mother had reached for one of the ducks, and his promise to send her one. He looked at the ducks, then back to the creature.

"Dear lord… you're a genius!"

For some reason, his mother didn't like her gift.

_A/N – attempting to assassinate your mum is wrong. They have a sixth sense for that. Lol. By the way, I keep flicking between calling the creature 'her' and 'it' – 'her' when she's thinking/talking and 'it when Jareth is thinking/talking._


	19. Chapter 19

_A/N – you know I should probably update this daily instead of in bulk. Might get through it a little quicker lol_

**Annoying Jareth**

**25 – The Temper and the Dress**

Jareth was throwing another one of his awful parties full of annoying guests, drunken idiots, and high class bastards. Okay, so it hadn't been going too badly at the start. People were mostly leaving him alone, so he was free to enjoy the wine and music without having to pretend to find some random princes jokes funny. He had just sat down and began to truly unwind when someone had to go and ruin it all. Jareth growled, inwardly seething.

To put a long story short – and to cut out the inevitable shouting and cursing – someone asked him about the creature. This led to a lot of people asking. Hence his freedom gone, and the predicament he landed himself in.

"Jareth, where is your little lady friend?"

"Yes, Jareth, I'm surprised you haven't brought her down. I'm sure she would enjoy getting to talk to someone other than you"

Laughter

"She was quite entertaining last time, I was hoping for an encore"

More laughter

"Yes, I do hope she can remember your name this time."

Manic laughter - followed by an enraged goblin king stalking off to find the annoying thing and fling it at them. _'Bastards! Just you wait and see!'_After the last fiasco with his mother and the explosive ducks, Jareth was sure the creature was at least partly on his side. Sadly, sides didn't seem to matter when you were completely insane.

The creature was glued to yet another TV program, as he knew it would be, and talking to it was as effective as talking to a brick wall. He tried imitating the man on TV – who was shouting at a parrot for some unknown reason – to try and trick the creature into looking at him. All that earned him was a snort of laughter and some mumbling about not being called Polly. Waving his hand in her face, shaken her and using loud noises didn't work either. Then it happened.

After much reflection, Jareth realised turning off the TV wasn't a smart idea, at all. He had stood triumphantly behind the TV, holding the plug in his hand, as he watched the creatures eyes widen. It stared at the blank TV, then at him, then back at the TV. This went on for a little while. Jareth decided to end the stale mate by dragging the creature out and towards its bedroom. Another mistake. Though small, forcing itself to become a dead weight made dragging a lot harder than it should have been.

When he finally got it to its room, it seemed to break out of whatever stupor it was in. The room quickly became a war zone, with things flying left and right and things smashing. Jareth noted he'd done one thing right; he'd avoided wrecking his throne room again.

Once things finally simmered down and the creature came to terms with not getting to watch TV – and a large offering of alcohol – it came to the time to get ready. Jareth quickly waved his hand before it and gave it a dress. Once again, that didn't go over too well. He had expected some shouting, but he had not anticipated the 5 year old temper tantrum that was thrown. He really should stop trying to guess what will happen next a go with the flow. He would've just left it there, but unfortunately a break in the music and the damn echoing of the castle had alerted others to the fight.

The audience was quite large, with mostly grinning faces, who had actually began egging the creature on. He decided that it was most definitely time to give up and leave. Or he would have had the creature not latched on to him crying and begging to have the dress taken off. This, of course, led to many jokes, more things being thrown and smashed, and much more blood than usual. People really shouldn't stand in the way of flying metal and glass objects.

In the end, the creature was back in front of its TV, the guests also sat in front of the TV, the goblins were grumbling as the cleaned as slowly as possible, and Jareth was left in the large empty ball room getting severely hammered.

_A/N – I really didn't know what to write for this one. Sorry!_


	20. Chapter 20

_A/N – I really should be working on a critical bibliography for uni…_

**Annoying Jareth**

**26 – Conga Conga Conga**

Deciding to make up for Jareth's ruined party, _'Although it was all his fault for sticking me in a feckin' dress' _the creature began to redo the decorations, throwing out the ruined crap that the king thought made a party look good. Glitter went out with the 80's, though was fun to use. Especially when it was used to blind and disorientate a certain stuck up king. And that stuck up king's mother. Jareth seemed to like it when she attempted to assassinate his mother. Therefore she tried every time the woman arrived.

So with the goblins in tow, she began her work on the ball room, transforming it into a proper party room. In other words they threw a load of streamers about, blocked out the windows, put up coloured lights, and put as much beer as they could on the tables. And, of course, threw around an obscene amount of glitter. Although she knew she shouldn't contribute to the kings odd glitter fetish, she was trying to make things up to him.

Jareth seemed quite happy that the creature was putting effort into something other than destroying his castle; though he still supervised over their 'decorating'. He needn't have bothered, but where the creature was concerned you just couldn't be too careful. He was still amazed that they had managed not to break or destroy anything, but he was too pleased to care.

The party went quite well, even if the guests only included himself, the creature and the goblins. He found the creature could actually hold a decent conversation, although only for short bursts before it stared speaking gibberish. Not that that mattered much as he was steadily getting hammered.

Late in the night – or early in the morning – when all of them were marvellously smashed, a line began to form. Small at first, it quickly grew, causing an amazing amount of commotion and, of course, damage. What surprised the creature was the king himself was head of the line, singing something that was oddly familiar. She knew she would know it if she wasn't so hammered. It sounded vaguely like 'You don't make friends with salad!'

_A/N – sorry it's so short. And I decided to be nice to Jareth in this one … something that's not likely to happen again lol_

_You don't make friends with salad is from the Simpsons when Lisa becomes a vegetarian._


	21. Chapter 21

_A/N – Sometimes I really have to wonder about my mental health… then I write another chapter._

_Enjoy!_

**Annoying Jareth**

**27-28 – Zombie**

People look back on this figure; this person who, though, was not quite a hero, nor a villain, this thing known simply as the creature, and wonder what went through its head. People have questioned the many different things it done on its stay in the goblin kingdom, deep within its heartland. People are still confused by most of its actions, but only once did it truly terrify us all. The day it unleashed a monster; a monster so horrible, so diabolical the even men with hearts of steel cower when they hear its name. That day, the creature finally learnt what fear meant.

It began as most days did in the castle. In other words the creature was still awake and still slightly drunk, the place was a mess, goblins were passed out in random places and there was a horrible amount of glitter over everything. The only difference was the place was more of a mess than usual – parties tend to do that – and the absence of one goblin king. The creature didn't know what possessed it, but for some reason it thought looking for the king, Jareth, was a great idea.

As the brave creature made its way quietly up the stairs, legend tells that it hears an odd noise; a snuffling. Quickly peeking its head inside the room it thankfully – though people may not agree with that – only found yet another glitter covered goblin. It wasn't until it reached the end of the corridor, that it heard another noise; a strange noise that consisted of groaning, croaking and spluttering. It followed the noise to a corridor it did not recognise, something which annoyed it immensely, and found itself in front of large oak double doors. It knew right away this had to be the king's chamber, and quickly slipped inside.

However, whatever was lying on the bed could not have been the king. Resisting the urge to gasp, the creature quietly stalked over, stick in hand. Unfortunately, our database does not tell us where or when it got the famous stick. It listened to the thing continue to groan and cough and hack, and a strange urge over took the creature. And it was then that it prodded him with the stick. Of course, when it got no response, it poked the thing harder. The next, I fear, is hard to describe. The thing rose from the bed and set its deadly glare on the creature, causing the brave soul to drop the stick, which is now viewed by so many as the Stick of Righteousness, and apparently fled from the room screaming, "It's the night of the living dead!" Of course, this is simply speculation.

However, it is true. That day, the creature learnt what fear meant. Fear… was the goblin king with a hangover.

_A/N – eh… yea. lol_


	22. Chapter 22

_A/N – how should I do this one. Hmmm…_

_I'm currently doing a residency (actually wrote this in the place as I needed a little pick me up.)_

**Annoying Jareth**

**29 – Make-up**

After a terrifying morning, which the creature could no longer remember, it had spent a week avoiding the goblin king. Jareth, of course, had loved every second of this. Of course, as with everything he found to be good, it didn't last. The castle shook, and the ground trembled. The goblins quaked in the boots as the windows shattered and the wind howled in around them. The door leading to the goblin kings room began to vibrate and pulse, the door frame cracking under the stress.

Then finally, with one last almighty crack, the door burst into pieces. The ground stopped moving and the wind died down to a soft flutter as their king emerged through the dust. The goblins are not as stupid as they would let most people believe, for they felt the heat of rage rolling off their master, and promptly disappeared.

Jareth stood, fists clenched and teeth grinded. His eyes were bulged and blood shot; and if one looked closely enough you could see his wet cheeks. He stood, silently daring anyone to say a word. Most took heed and fled. Unfortunately, this never seemed to throw the thing off. She popped her head out round him and looked in awe and wonder at the destruction his outburst had caused. Then she glanced up at him and smiled sweetly,

"Next time, I'll do your make up for you"

_A/N – Sorry its short. The bloodshot eyes – has anyone ever had their eyeliner slip? Bloody painful!_


	23. Chapter 23

_AN – Off for Easter, but I still have a lot of work to do. Will try and update as much as possible over next few days ^_^_

**Annoying Jareth**

**30 – Never, never, never, never, never … and so on**

Jareth was not surprised in the slightest when the creature refused to do its chores. Nor was he surprised when it refused to sleep, to stop watching 'TV', to turn down its music, to eat. These were all quite normal occurrences, so were very easily dismissed (ignored) by our king. What did surprise him though was when it refused his offer of a beer. It was unheard of. Jareth's mind reeled.

"I'm sorry, what?" he asked, pointedly ignoring the odd quiver in his voice.

"I said, No" the creature replied, continuing on with its game. Jareth cocked an eyebrow at the screen, wondering why a man would need a sword that big. This of course was only a momentary distraction. It was most definitely not him attempting to destroy his own mind so he no longer had to contemplate what had just happened.

"Okay…" he stared at it opened mouth, slowly retreating back towards the door, "I'll just be off then."

"No"

"Huh?" He had imagined that right? It had not just said 'no' to him leaving, had it? Usually it was 'good riddance' or 'get out of my room' or 'stop talking over the feckin' characters you git'. That he was used to; but it asking him not to leave? This was just too odd. Then again, usually it was swigging a beer as it colourfully instructed him how to leave. Maybe it was the alcohol that kept the utter insanity at bay.

"Eh… Okay…"

The king sat down on the large 'bean bag' beside the creatures and watched it continue to swing a sword that was evidently far too large and obviously trying to make up for something and tried his best not to comment on it. It wasn't often the creature asked him to stay. Okay so it never happened, and he couldn't help but feel mildly confused. Only mildly.

"That character" -

"No"

To say Jareth was annoyed at being cut off was an understatement. He was furious. Not only was he cut off – while simply making a remark! – but the creature also said no again. He clenched his fists, grinding his teeth together. "Are you playing with me?" He managed to growl out.

"No"

"Oh really?" A sly grin crossed his face, "Care to tell me what you are doing then?"

"No"

"Wonderful", the creature shifted its gaze to him momentarily before going back to its game.

"So you really don't want a beer then?"

"No."

"And you really don't want me to leave?"

The creatures hand gripped the controller harder as it forced out a "No".

"So you wouldn't mind if I had this beer myself then?"

"No." The creature's teeth were gritted, glaring at the screen and viciously destroying the games 'enemy'.

Jareth chuckled to himself, "How kind of you." Finally, he was winning one of these stupid games.

He flicked off the cap and took a large gulp from the green bottle, immediately regretting it. He quickly hid his grimace – and did a superb job at not gagging – and coughed slightly.

"So this is what you're always drinking", he said more to himself than the creature.

Said creature grinned, "No"

Jareth rolled his eyes and quickly took another sip. After all, he'd seen the creature down one of these easily. _'Probably just takes some getting used to.'_

The next morning Jareth woke up with a pounding headache, an dry mouth, and an extremely – albeit scarily – happy looking creature staring down at him. He stared, mind racing back to the night before as he grasped for some sort of reasoning. He cleared his throat, which suddenly felt drier, "Did we -?"

The creatures grin grew wider as it stared down at him.

"No"

_A/N – They didn't, did they? Ha!_

_Game – was it DMC or Soul Calibur? You decide! Lol _


	24. Chapter 24

_A/N – sorry for leaving you guys hanging. I was supposed to have this one up straight after the other but I got distracted lol._

**Annoying Jareth**

**31 – Beer VS Brain Cells**

The rest of that morning (and afternoon) Jareth and the creature ignored and avoided each other. In other words Jareth avoided the creature and any time he did run in to it, it grinned at him like a maniac and winked. He knew he should have ignored it, but it was rather hard given the circumstances.

He sat on his throne, idly tapping the riding crop on one leg. _'There's no way it really happened. It has to be some sort of prank. It's up to something. It's up to something that it needs me out of the way for. That has to be it.' _The riding crop stopped. _'But what if it isn't a prank? Oh dear merciful God please let it be a prank!'_ Jareth growled, realising that either way the creature had still pulled a fast one on him. Either way he had been beat. _'Well, almost beat', _he grinned. He jumped from the throne, determined to find the creature and discover what's truly going on.

Of course, now that he was looking for it, it had disappeared. He knew the creature was still in the castle. He'd posted guards at the doors to let him know when any one entered or left. Granted, they were goblins… but they were a little smarter than the rest. He marched down hall after hall, searching in room after room. Both his and its room were empty. As was the kitchen, the dining room, the ball room, and even the Esher room.

The king was about to give up when he caught a blonde blur in the corner of his eye. He quickly marched (not ran, kings don't run) down the hall and around the corner… only to find an empty hall. Growling in frustration he was about to turn when his eye again caught some movement from behind a suit of armour. Eyebrow raised he made his way over and found the creature hiding there. "What exactly are you doing?" he queried.

The creature smiled slightly, "I, uh, didn't piss off the cook?"

"I see", he was mildly amused, but crushed it down and glared at the creature. "You are going to tell me what is really going on"

"Huh?"

"Eloquent as always", the king mused aloud, before the creature suddenly took off, back in the direction of the kitchen. He 'hastily' followed.

The creature was sat at the wooden table opening a beer, as usual, with the cook nowhere in sight. Taking a gulp it turned to look at him seriously. Before it could talk he quickly cut in.

"Tell me what is going on" it wasn't a request.

It cocked its head slightly, looking confused. Jareth rolled his eyes and decided to just come out with it.

"Did we really?"

"No"

"This better not be a continue on of your 'No' phase from yesterday"

"Its not"

"Thank god for that."

Silence.

"You really shouldn't drink you know"

He rolled his eyes, "And why not?"

It took another gulp and looked at him seriously, "Beer kills brain cells ya know"

_A/N – I know its not as funny, but thought I'd clear up the last chapter for you ^_^_


	25. Chapter 25

_A/N – Sorry I haven't updated in a while. Just finished uni so was pretty busy getting all my work together and I've just been pretty tired. _

**Annoying Jareth**

**32 – 33 – Macbeth**

The stench that wafted down the halls of the castle was horrific. Jareth could not find a word in the English language – or any other language for that matter – to describe it. He tried to resist, but against his better judgement he decided to 'follow his nose'. He also shuddered at the horrible pun _his _mind had just come up with. _'Or was it an analogy?' _he shook his head and made his way to the kitchens.

Half way towards the door he heard a manic cackle and sighed. Of course, it had to be the creature. _'What the devil is that little cretin up to now?' _He sighed again and pushed the door slightly ajar, gagging as he did so. He glanced through watery eyes at the creature, stirring a smoking, bubbling concoction in a large cauldron. He had enough time to wonder where the hell it had found a large cauldron when his ears picked up on what it was saying. He stood and gawked. _'There is no way in hell it's quoting Shakespeare!'_

"Double, double toil and trouble;

Fire burn, and cauldron bubble."

Jareth rolled his eyes and cleared his throat. The creature stopped cackling and looked up. He cocked and eyebrow at the odd goggles it was pulling up off its eyes and shook his head. "Were you just quoting Macbeth, or has your presence finally destroyed my mind?"

It moved from behind the cauldron and shooed him out of the kitchen, saying something about soup and 'not to worry his pretty little head'. Of course, our fair king was seething at this. Although in normal circumstances he wouldn't have went near the kitchen, the fact that he'd just been shooed from his own kitchens made him see red. He raised his hand to whack the wooden door when he heard the creature continue.

"Fillet of a fenny snake,

In the cauldron boil and bake;

Eye of newt, and toe of frog,

Wool of bat, and tongue of dog,

Adder's fork, and bind-worm's sting,

Lizard's leg, and howlet's wing"

After turning a wonderful shade of green, Jareth decided not to have the soup tonight. Just couldn't be careful when it had been near anything. With that thought he took off down the hall to the nearest toilet.

The creature grinned as it heard a retching sound echo through the kitchen, and said to no one in particular, "And that, dear friends, is why you don't say the name of the Scottish Play". A goblin simply stared.

A/N – I actually giggled when I came across the cauldron scene again.

Pun or analogy – My mind has given up. After finishing stuff for Uni and completing my essay, my mind just seems to have shut down lol


	26. Chapter 26

_A/N – Making up for lack of updates. _

**Annoying Jareth**

**34 – Stealing styles**

The day was unusually quiet, and Jareth was eternally grateful for this. Especially since he knew why it was so quiet for once. The creature had found some games that it had 'lost' and the king grinned as he sank lower into his chair, wondering why he had ever hidden them in the first place. Unfortunately, being used to the creature, he knew it wouldn't last. He gave it at least another hour or so before he heard things smashing, goblins screaming, and lots of cursing. So of course he was mildly miffed when this did not happen.

He looked up at the clock for what seemed like the hundredth time and sighed. It had been 6 hours. 6 hours of peace that he should be enjoying, but he was used to being interrupted every 5 minutes. He was used to something going wrong, or some goblin annoying him about something that he never bothered to listen to, or the insane little creature destroying another piece of his mind. In other words, Jareth was bored. And this is why our king found himself climbing the stairs to the creature's chambers.

He sighed and smiled as he heard the quiet cusses emitting from said creature's room, and opened the door. He watched idly as the creature made her character swing a giant sword through some big humanoid monster. He stared down at the box on the floor that stated 'Soul Calibur 2' and decided to venture in for a closer look. The creature cocked its head at him as it won the match and motioned for him to sit.

They continued in silence, Jareth loosing track of time all together. The game looked relatively simple, and he could understand why the creature loved the game so much. It could destroy and smash things and people and cure its odd blood lust without annoying Jareth at the same time. The creature silently picked up the second control, picked a character and handed it to said king.

They continued like this long into the night as Jareth honed his characters skills and learned quite a few new moves that even the creature gawked at him for. Feeling quite smug, he decided to ask the question that had been nagging him all night.

"How did you know this character would be good for me? I mean, I love his style, at he is quite classy and evidently king material, but how did you know I'd like him?"

The creature stared at him, "I thought you would hate him"

The king's grin grew – as did his ego – as the thought that he may have actually beat the creature at its own game for once filled him. "Oh really? Why on earth did you think that?"

The creature blinked at him, stared at the screen then back at him. "It doesn't annoy you?"

Jareth felt his smile falter, confused "What doesn't annoy me?"

"The fact that you stole his style."

The goblins jumped and scurried past flying objects as the castle shook and trembled and words that they didn't think they'd even heard before echoed around the room. Downstairs an unknown figure marked another chalk line under 'The Creature'. "at this rate, he's never going to get a point", it stated before going back to staring into a crystal ball.

_A/N – Dun dun dun! Mysterious strangers ahoy! Ahem, anyway. Never bring Jareth's style into question. Things explode when you do._


	27. Chapter 27

_A/N – Not too sure how this one's going to turn out, so forgive me now before you read!_

_Also, a big Thank You to every one who has reviewed and added as a favourite. Sorry I haven't got back to you! One, it took me forever to realise I could actually reply to reviews, lol, and two, Uni has kept me quite busy. So Thank you all ^_^_

**Annoying Jareth**

**35 – Fan girl**

He knew something like this would happen. The creature had been far too calm. Yes it still managed to piss him off, just in smaller ways with less things breaking. So of course something like this had to happen. Jareth covered his ears as the creature let out another massive squeak – _'how could something that loud come out of something that small' _– as he made his way through the kitchen and towards the throne room were there was relative silence. Well, not silence, just less screaming.

Not that it mattered. As was typical for these occasions, he kept running into the creature, and it kept randomly screaming, squeaking, crying and attempting to throw itself at him. He had seen something like this before, but just couldn't remember when.

He also found out that attempting to speak to it just made things worse. Saying 'hello' earned him what he was sure was a burst ear drum. Asking it what it was doing ended up in a near heart attack. The king decided locking himself in his room for the day may be his best option.

With nothing else to do, he lifted one of his crystal balls. He found the creature on an odd device that looked like a TV, but not quite. There was something playing on it. Zooming in he watched as a handsome man stepped out of a car and girls started screaming, crying and fawning over him. He stared in horror as the poor man smiled and attempted to push his way through the crowd, _'how foolish', _when the clip ended and a slogan came up at the end – 'Beware the Fan Girls'.

"Ah ha!" he said as he flung his door open, sending a goblin flying into the opposite wall. He marched down towards the creatures room and flung its door open… sending a goblin flying into the opposite wall. The creature opened its mouth to squeak when he flung his hand over it.

"No, no more screaming. I know what you're up to!"

The creature muffled something but he carried on. "Now, as nice as it is to know I have a 'fan girl' in my midst, I do not like being squeaked at every time I come across you. How this odd 'crush' has developed is beyond me, as you have been here for quite some time, but it must cease immediately!"

He pulled his hand back and the creature could do nothing but stare, its mouth slightly ajar. It shook its head and looked up at him glaring down and smiled.

"I am so sorry" Jareth smiled, and opened his mouth to reply about how flattered he was, "I thought you were someone else."

The king stared at the creature for a moment, before silently shuffling away. "Ah, the joy of a deflated ego" the mysterious stranger nodded knowingly and marked off another point.

_A/N – Just became painfully aware I have made no disclaimers so far O_o thank god producers don't read Fan Fictions… I hope. So yea, I don't own the Labyrinth, or its characters. The creature and mysterious stranger are mine. Don't think I missed many disclaimers anyway…except for the Simpsons (the hedge maze)which belongs to Matt Groening and Macbeth by Shakespeare._


	28. Chapter 28

_A/N – I don't own Labyrinth or its characters. They belong to Jim Henson. Only characters that our mine is The Creature and the Mysterious Stranger lol. _

_I also don't own Ace Ventura. I'm not as funny as Jim Carrey._

**Annoying Jareth**

**36 – She who must not be named**

It was a wonderful day. The sun was splitting the sky, birds were chirping, goblins ambled lazily through the labyrinth and their king was feeling magnificent - ly spiteful. The creature was in for it this time. He was not going to give it enough time to come up with another horrid plan that would destroy things, humiliate him or teach the goblins new tricks. It took him long enough to convince them that they really didn't have any rights after Sarah left. He inwardly seethed. He knew she had won 'fair and square' but it didn't make it any less irritating. Especially since everyone tended to mention it as frequently as possible.

He slumped and shuffled his way into the throne room and threw himself down upon said chair. Lifting a crystal ball he smiled sadly as it showed him an image of a young girl rushing around a ball room. _'Putting a shy awkward girl into a horrendous social event; well done Jareth,' _he growled at his own thought and smashed the ball of the far wall. He had more important things to deal with at the moment. He could mull over the past another time. He quickly gathered himself and stormed towards the creature's chambers. He briefly wondered when the hell he had given it chambers, but he highly doubted he had done anything of the sort.

And there it was; lying on that odd bag thing staring at that stupid brain killing machine known worldwide as the T.V. Gathering all the courage he had he marched over and turned it off. As the creature's eye began to widen and refocus he felt an odd sense of déjà-vu. Hadn't something bad happened the last time he dared to turn off the stupid talking box? He put a hand up to silence the thing before it could speak and crossed his arms over his chest. "So far, you've ruined my castle on more occasions than I can count, you have humiliated me, even in front of my friends and my", he paused and shuddered, "Mother. Although the attempt on her life was intriguing." He quickly shook his head, "Nevertheless, these odd plans of yours have to stop!"

The creature just nodded dumbly and turned the TV back on. Jareth could have swore he heard something snap because the next minute the TV was broke, lights were flickering and smashing and the creature had been hurled from the room. He stalked towards it, feeling an unhealthy amount of pleasure and watching it trying to scramble backwards before grabbing the front of its clothes. "You!" here is where Jareth learns one can choke on their own rage. "You- your almost as bad as her!"

He knew the moment he said it he'd made a mistake. An eerie grin spread across the creature's face as he dropped it, turning quickly on his heel and marching back the way he'd came. Unfortunately, halls in stone castles tended to carry sound, so you were never out of ear shot. "You're just a sore loser."

The king froze and turned, finally managing to ground out, "What?"

The creature's grin grew, "I said, you're a sore loser. Lah-ho-sah-her."

Jareth lunged at the thing, growling as it leapt out of his grasp and laughed, running down the corridor.

He had tried to ignore it and carry on with his day. Unfortunately, it had realised just how well sound carried in stone walls. He vaguely wondered if it could carry in an oubliette.

_A/N – Sorry for the wait. And yeah, I know this one ain't that good._


	29. Chapter 29

_A/N – This chapter should hopefully be at least a little better than the last!_

**37: Lewis Carroll**

Jareth should have been worried when he found the creature sitting at the kitchen table that morning – yes, morning – reading some kind of novel. He had seen books in its room but he was sure it just enjoyed destroying them or using them to trip someone up or something like that. Seeing it read was an odd sight. However, one he chose to completely ignore. After all, he had to finish setting up the ball room. Again.

Thankfully, it was only dinner this time. The amount of guests had doubled from last year, hence having to use the ballroom. Not that he minded really. The table was actually quite impressive looking, _'And expensive'._

He also knew why the guests at doubled. The creature's previous fiascos in front of fantasy's snobbiest people drew out the rest of said people who usually couldn't be arsed. Again, Jareth didn't mind this. He'd just make sure to lock the creature away. All he really needed to do was give it a game or beer. Or both really.

As the guests finally started to flood in – being fashionably late only works when it's one or two people, so the effect was lost when they ALL decided to turn up late – Jareth was happy to note the absence of the creature. He felt a slight foreboding, but decided to ignore it. He couldn't let a simple creature ruin his cool life style now could he?

Once the dinner was done and people were being served tea and coffee – before the ten tons of alcohol of course – he saw someone wearing what looked to be a purple top hat. Forget the fact they wore the hat to the table, it was the colour Jareth scoffed at, _'Some people have no taste'._

He was just raising the cup to his lips when Purple Hat jumped up on the table, in _'quite a nice and familiar suit.' _He was about to open his mouth to ask if this person was a jester, when it suddenly screamed, "CLEAN CUP CLEAN CUP!! MOVE UP MOVE UP!!!"

He just about had enough time to duck beneath a flying cup of tea as the guests scrambled around manically changing seats. Jareth hauled himself up, growling as Purple Hat had placed itself in his chair. Turning, it quirked an eyebrow at him, "You are supposed to find a new chair, not lie on the floor." The king stared in absolute wonder at the creature before shaking his head and moving to an empty seat. He had just settled and was about to take a sip of tea when the creature bellowed again, "CLEAN CUP CLEAN CUP!! MOVE UP MOVE UP!!!

_A/N – I do not own Alice in Wonderland. I really wish I did…_


	30. Chapter 30

_A/N – Some of these actually are a little difficult to write lol_

**Annoying Jareth**

**38 – Visitors**

Jareth was glad to have the creature out of his hair for a few hours. He'd been a little worried about bringing Hoggle to the castle – what with all that happened with She Who Must Not Be Named – but overall it seemed like a good plan. It was a good plan. He was left alone, nothing in the castle was destroyed and his dignity was firmly intact. There was only one problem. He was bloody bored.

That's not to say that watching the creature fawn over Hoggle was annoying or making him feel jealous. No, he was just bored. It was quiet without that disaster of a thing running around destroying things. Hell even the goblins were just lying around either passed out or drunk. It seemed wrong somehow. Stalking down the corridor towards the kitchen, he finally heard a large crash above him. _'I knew it wouldn't be able to stay out of trouble', _he thought smugly as he glided up the stairs – because the king of the Labyrinth most certainly did not run – but he was disappointed to find yet another drunk goblin. It was one of the knights. Sighing he turned and made his way towards his room to get some sleep.

What a bad idea that was. They were in his room. Why they were there, he wasn't sure. At least the stupid goblin was still scared enough of him to babble lame excuses, but he wasn't interested in that. Grinning he turned towards the slightly startled looking creature, opening his mouth to berate it when he finally realised what was wrong. It was in a dress. **It **was actually wearing a dress. In front of Hoggle. Jareth briefly remembers the absolute fit the creature had when he tried to make it wear a dress. _'But it would wear one for Hoggle!?' _He was livid.

Without saying a word, Jareth lifted Hoggle by the scruff of the neck, dragging him through the halls and quickly tossed him out the front door. The creature had already changed back into its usual t-shirts with generally rude or insane gestures, and those damn combats. He felt his eye twitch when it grinned at him. "Aw, I knew you loved me."

Two minutes later and the creature sat dumbstruck on the ground beside an equally dumbstruck goblin. Rubbing its sore arse it made a mental note: 'Being tossed out a door is not fun.'

The stranger raised one eyebrow, slightly surprised at this strange outcome… and marked a point under Jareth's name.

_A/N – I'm sorry this isn't overly funny, and after making you wait so long! Also, I mentioned the creature's combats simply because I miss my own __ I need to get a new pair. _


	31. Chapter 31

_A/N – Sorry for the slow updates, Uni has been hectic. _

**Annoying Jareth**

**39 – The New Guard**

The creature hadn't taken long coming back. After hiding in the goblin village for a couple of days, it snuck back in, planting itself at the kitchen table. Jareth choose to ignore it. Not that that ever annoyed it or stopped it from annoying him, but maybe today he'd be free from whatever scheme that had it sitting so quietly. It was actually quite unnerving. Usually there'd be some form of sinister grin dancing across its face, but it seemed utterly blank. Perhaps throwing it out had changed things.

Jareth smirked as he sat down at the table. He wasn't looking forward to having a peaceful day; he learnt that would never happen. However, he was looking forward to having a creature free day. Today the creature seemed more like the girl she was supposed to be than the evil little bastard that continuously defied him. He couldn't help the grin that slid across his face as the creature glumly stood and slumped out the door.

Today was going to be a good day.

Until, of course, all the shouting and swearing started. Jareth jumped up from the table and made his way to the front hall. _'I'm going to murder that little-'_

He stopped and stared at the mass of goblins standing at the door, and then at the tiny dog that was hitting the ones nearest him with a stick. He groaned and quickly marched over, glowering down at the mutt. "What are you doing?"

"Guarding the castle of course, my liege"

"Of course" Jareth deadpanned as he stared at the annoying little creature, "And _why _exactly are you guarding my castle?"

"I was commissioned by a lovely young lady who said that my expertise in security was desperately needed."

"Well they are not", Jareth bit out looking round wildly to see where the creature was hiding. He was actually surprised to see it sitting happily on the stone steps talking with one of the goblins. He decided it was probably best just to ignore it. "I am perfectly capable of guarding this castle myself!"

He turned to march back into the castle when the tiny animal jumped in front of him shouting "Halt!"

"Oh hell no" Jareth groaned as he realised the stupid thing wasn't going to let him back into his own home. "What?" he growled at it.

"You may not enter!"

"I can't enter my own home?" Jareth asked calmly, knowing that the mutt hadn't really thought this through. He was thoroughly pleased when he saw the dog falter.

"Eh… no…?"

"And why not?"

"You haven't asked permission."

Jareth rolled his eyes. "May I enter the castle?"

"Oh no my dear boy, you have to ask her" the dog pointed, quite predictably, at the creature who was steadily allowing a stream of goblins pass. Groaning for the hundredth time he made his way over wanting to get this charade over and done with as quickly as possible.

"Let me pass"

"No"

Jareth grit his teeth. Of course it wasn't going to be easy. When was it ever? "Why?"

"You didn't ask nicely."

"Oh for heaven's sake, may I pass?"

"Say please"

It took four hours to get the mutt to let go of his leg, three to get it out of the castle, two to stop strangling everything within his grasp and one to get very drunk. He wasn't sure how many hours it'd take for the creature to stop cackling.


	32. Chapter 32

_A/N – I laughed manically when I realised what number this chapter is based on._

**Annoying Jareth**

**40 – Nothing?**

Jareth stormed through the castle – well limped quite fiercely. His leg was still sore after the damn mutt attacked him. He'd finally managed to convince the little bugger to leave. Well, threatened the little bugger into leaving, which technically is the same thing in our Kings book. Jareth was seething. Not only had that mutt ruined his graceful and terrifying gait but also ruined a perfectly wonderful pair of trousers. And to make matters worse that damn creature had just sat there and laughed.

"How dare she laugh at me!" the king cried at no one in particular. Therefore the manic giggling that rose from the basement was rather suspicious. Eye's narrowed and teeth bared he flung himself down the stairs. In hindsight the king realised that flinging one's self down a flight of stone stairs is not the smartest idea. Quickly brushing himself off and completely ignoring the goblins he just squashed Jareth made his way towards a door he'd never seen before. Granted he'd never seen anything in the basement before. He didn't know he owned a basement. However, that mystery can be solved another time.

Kicking the door open like a spandex wearing hero he found the creature sitting beside an orb still cackling to its self. "What is going on here?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing? Nothing?! … Why does this sound familiar?"

"I have no idea" the creature grinned, happily reclining in the seat. Rolling his eyes Jareth suddenly caught something moving in the corner. Squinting into the darkness he could've swore he saw someone standing there.

"What are you looking at?"

The king quickly shook his head and glared down at the creature, "nothing."

"Nothing tra-la-la?"

The king quirked an eyebrow as the creature burst into another fit of laughter. "Riiight… I'm going to go back to some form of normalcy here and just not ask what the fuck is going on."

Turning on his heel the goblin king quickly made his way back up the steps, pointedly ignoring the dent where he'd landed. He knew the creature was just trying to bait him into a trap, and he wasn't falling for it. Not this time at least. So he was most definitely not trying to figure out why that quote was so familiar. Nor was he trying to figure out what he had seen in the corner. _'And where did it get an orb?'_

Jareth stopped suddenly, remembering an odd looking board on the wall and ran back towards the basement. He finally remembered that he had magic – glittery magic – and glided down the stairs and through the mysterious door like a giant sparkly bat. The creature simply stared.

"I'll forget the fact that you've stole one of my orbs if you tell me what the hell that is?!" Jareth yelled pointing a shaking finger at a very obvious scoreboard.

The creature grinned. "Nothing."

"Nothing? Nothing?! Nothing tra-la-la?!" He froze. He knew exactly where he'd heard those words before. "Oh dear lord no…"

The creature cackled as Jareth leapt for the orb and ran off screaming something that sounded like "I regret nothing".

The mysterious stranger chuckled as they came out from the darkened corner, "If you liked that, wait 'til you here the rest of the story."

_A/N – yes I know, the creature was supposed to say it… but it just seemed right this way. _


	33. Chapter 33

_A/N – Yay I've finished Uni. And I honestly should stop watching Ace Ventura_

**Annoying Jareth**

**41 – The Slinky**

The land seemed suspiciously calm and quiet in Jareth's opinion. The guards were lazing around the castle, and the village hummed with mundane, simple activities. The goblins were happily making there way around the market without any odd interruptions. The King knew he should be pleased, but these days he just wanted to give up and let the disastrous creature wreak whatever havoc it had in store. It had been unusually quiet, _'and absent', _for the last few days, and that made our King slightly more nervous. _'What the hell is it up to now?'_

Jareth decided to search the castle. Actually, Jareth made the goblins search the castle. So the fact they found nothing really wasn't surprising. They'd probably gone as far as the kitchen and the abandoned barrels of beer that the creature hadn't taken with it. There were a couple missing, but it was nothing compared to the usual amounts it drank while present. Bracing himself he searched the strange basement room he had found the creature skulking in before, but it seemed eerily empty. And the scoreboard was gone. The King allowed himself a quick smirk at that before he turned tail and ran as fast as he could. That room gave him the creeps.

The next week passed with relative ease. The goblins only set the kitchen on fire twice, another child was wished away and the wisher was still lost somewhere in the labyrinth, a few more barrels of beer disappeared, Jareth ignored calls from his mother and the creature remained wonderfully elusive. That's when the singing started.

It was faint at first; almost impossible to make out. It was a merry little tune, and that disturbed our 'fair' King. People should only be merry when he was merry. On that thought he stomped off towards the wretched sound, which he sound discovered was coming from the Etcher room. With a feeling of dread but dramatised determination he quickly and bravely swung open the door…

… Only to be hit on the head with an odd cylinder object. It didn't hurt, but… "Do you know how bloody long it took me to do my hair?"

Most definitely not blushing and ignoring the snorts of laughter behind him Jareth studied the odd object that had landed quite gracefully at his feet. By this I mean he kicked it and found himself quite fascinated by the way it snaked down the stairs and landed in a perfect little heap at the bottom. "What is that thing?" he asked the creature who gave him an odd look in return.

"A slinky."

"Wonderful… What in God's name is a slinky?"

The creature gaped at him. Jareth felt a moment of pride before realising that the creature evidently thought he was stupid. He was about to reiterate something about mortal toys when the creature seemed to spasm and burst into a song.

"Everyone loves a slinky; you gotta get a slinky, slinky, slinky, go slinky go"

After an hour of watching the creature kick the odd looking toy around the Escher room while singing that awful song he gave up and headed back towards the throne room. As he watched the goblins scurry around the room he felt his foot twitch and realised he was humming. It took another week and a lot of alcohol to get the damn tune out of his head.

_A/N – Sorry if the end is a little disappointing. My mind went temporarily blank. _


	34. Chapter 34

_A/N – Trying to think what to write for this one was bloody awkward. I hope it aint too bad!  
_

**Annoying Jareth**

**42 – Tubthumping**

It was morning in the Labyrinth and the King of the goblins down right refused to get up. He could already feel his head throbbing and he knew given the chance the creature would make it ten times worse. Instead he buried his face back into the pillow and pulled the duvet back up over his head. Jareth groaned as he heard something smash – something _expensive _crash. He knew it was expensive. The way the little shards sung as they bounced off the stone floor told him it was expensive. That and the goblins always broke the expensive stuff because it was "shiny".

After the fourth smash he growled and spun round-

Only to come face to face with the thing that goes bump in the night! Or the creature – whichever works. Shrieking in a non-girly way the King quickly hiked the duvet up and glared at the thing on _his _bed. He felt his blood run cold as he watched a strange grin growing on the thing's face. Gathering himself together – he was simply shocked at finding it there – he swiftly got out of the bed and turned his famous sarky glare it's way, "What are you doing?"

Rolling his eyes when he got no answer – _'What was I thinking?' _– he turned to dismiss the creature and get on with his day when he heard something. It was far too low to hear before but now that his ears were no longer focusing on all his stuff being broken he could hear what sounded suspiciously like humming. He cringed as the creature skipped past him – _'Ah, insane as always' _– humming its way down the hall. Shaking his head he quickly dressed and stormed towards the kitchen. Of course, the damn thing was there already, and humming even louder.

Jareth growled slightly, ignoring the thing and grabbing the nearest goblin to 'inquire' as to which expensive family heirlooms had been destroyed. The damage was surprisingly low. In other words they were things his mother had given him. Smirking he dropped the little goblin and sat at the table with something called 'coffee'. Although at first he'd been convinced that the creature was trying to poison him with some weird human concoction but he soon discovered it was a wonderful potion for waking oneself up. Of course his moment of calm was ruined immediately as the creature started singing. Thankfully he couldn't hear the words and mentally kicked himself as the words "What the devil are you singing?" fell from his lips.

The creature stopped and stared at the King before grinning manically. "I was singing a little song for the goblin you just knocked down".

"And what song would that be?"

"I get knocked down, but I get up again, you're never gonna keep me down."

"How sweet" Jareth rolled his eyes then cringed as the creature got louder.

"I get knocked down, but I get up again, you're never gonna keep me down!"

Jareth quickly ran from the kitchen praying that the creature became distracted by something shiny. Alas, he could still hear it behind him.

"He drinks a whiskey drink, he drinks a vodka drink, he drinks a larger drink, he drinks a cider drink."

"That actually sounds like a good plan", Jareth turned and made a beeline for the drinks cabinet.

"He sings the songs that remind him of the good times. He sings the songs that remind him of the better times."

"Oh please don't" Jareth rolled his eyes and quickly downed his first and second drink.

"I get knocked down but I get up again, you're never gonna keep me down!"

"I can already feel the hangover" the King groaned, threw the glass away and started drinking straight from the bottle.

5 hours and quite a few bottles of god only knows what later –

"We'll be shingin', when we're winnin'"

"Pisshin' the night awayyyy"

"I get hic knocked down hehe"

"But I's get up 'gain, neva gonna keep me down"

Manic laughter could be heard over the land – scaring many, many goblins and travellers – and a song that shall be forever engraved on the scarred minds of any unfortunate soul that happened to see the noble and dominating Goblin King stinking drunk.


	35. Chapter 35

_A/N – I am way too slow at updating. I know I always say this, but I will try to get them done quicker. Hard to believe this stories been going for so long now. Thanks for all the support guys – even with me being slow and lazy!._

**Annoying Jareth**

**43 – Who doesn't love blue paint?**

After his drunken episode the King had decided it was best to stay indoors for a few days. Or weeks. He groaned and stared at the crystal ball the creature had somehow managed to char to showing him dancing over and over again. Every time he smashed it, it seemed to magically fix itself. _'I must find out how the hell it managed to do this'. _He heard an odd tune ring through his ears but chose to ignore it. Whatever song had managed to cause this scandal was banned. He never wanted to hear it again.

The creature had mostly stayed out of his way for the first couple of days, thankfully, but it had started appearing again. He spotted it carrying random cans of something upstairs and rolled his eyes. He really did not want to know what the hell it was up to. He didn't even want to think about what it was up to. The thought alone could drive him to drinking again. Trying to understand that insane mind was going to drive him to doing something he may actually regret. Well, more than usual. He shuddered at the thought and decided to get on with his day.

Another child was wished away. It only took around 5 hours to get rid of the idiotic teenager that had decided to chase the brat. The goblins were overjoyed to get a new 'brother'. Jareth watched them run around drinking and sighed. It seemed odd not to have the creature running around with them. It usually loved new goblins. They were easier to turn against the king. He chuckled as he remembered the last brat that was wished away then mentally scolded himself for finding anything the creature did funny.

Dinner was a quiet affair as well. Quieter than usual anyway. The goblins were still as noisy and messy as always. Jareth found himself wondering, again, just what the monster was up to now. He was sure he had seen cans like those before. _'Perhaps they were more of those beer cans?' _he wondered, _'Though they were rather large…' _he shook his head, dismissing the thought. Of course only the creature could find massive beer tins. "Tins", he said the word aloud. Again something seemed familiar about the word. In fact, he was sure he had seen the same tins at yet another ungrateful teenager's house. He'd heard the parents say something about decorating the baby's room.

Jareth eyes widened as his fork hit the plate. "Oh god no", he said and fled the room and up the stairs. He burst into the creature's room. There were a few blue hand prints around the room but nothing bad. He let out a sigh of relief before another thought hit him. He sped towards his own room and stopped before the door. "There's no way it would have dared", he reassured himself, took a deep breath and slowly opened the door…

He felt the breath whoosh out in one go as a blonde blur sped past him. He gaped at his room as he sank to the floor. There were blue silhouettes pasted around his beautiful white room. The creature laughed manically at the stream of curses that followed it back to its room. Somewhere in the bowels of the castle someone chuckled as it drew yet another line on the creatures side of the board.

Jareth felt himself choking on his own rage as his words became absolute gibberish. The only coherent thought in the goblin kings mind was, "How the hell did it do it?"

_A/N – I know it's not that great. It was hard to think what to write for this one lol. _


	36. Chapter 36

_A/N – I hope this one's a bit funnier than the last couple. It's actually getting a bit awkward to think what to write now lol. Although, redbull is helping O_O_

**Annoying Jareth**

**44 – Voices**

The Goblin King was close to snapping. He'd caught the Creature sneaking back down into the basement. It was talking to someone and he wanted to know who. No one could sneak into his Labyrinth without him knowing! Well, except for the Creature, obviously. He shuddered at the thought of a second one hiding out in the basement and faltered at the top of the stairs. _'Oh dear lord what if there is another one?' _he cringed and started down the stones steps – even gliding down had proved difficult thanks to the trip step. The Creature hadn't let him forget that one just yet.

Upon reaching the basement he felt an odd shiver travel down his spine. He could hear the Creature whispering hurriedly to someone, followed by a series of giggles. Well, only it was laughing. Either the other didn't find it funny or the Creature was talking to itself, again. Rolling his eyes Jareth burst into the room, his wonderful sparkly cape billowing behind him. The Creature squawked and fell off its chair which the king found agreeably amusing, but quickly covered his smirk. After all, he wasn't entirely sure if there was somebody else lurking in the shadows or not. It wouldn't do to let one's guard down in the face of triumph only to be cracked over the back of the head with something 'shiny'.

Fortunately the Creature remained sprawled on the floor – possibly unconscious – and nothing leapt out at him. Deciding to enjoy his small victory Jareth left the thing where it lay and got on with his day. He only saw it once when it staggered out of the basement and up to its room. It was probably the first time since the Creature entered the Labyrinth that he'd had a good day. He got a new goblin without any real fight, nothing had been destroyed and he'd gotten news that his mother had broken her leg when she tripped over a "present" he'd sent her.

The rest of the week went surprising well too. The Creature still skulked down in the basement but he rarely heard it speak. It wasn't until the night he heard a voice speak back that he really started to worry. He remembered seeing a shadow down there before but had been distracted by that damn scoreboard. Gritting his teeth he marched down to the basement yet again. The sight he found there was most definitely not what he was expecting.

The creature sat at a small round table surrounded by teddy bears… shaking his head Jareth looked again. The Creature was chatting happily to one of the teddies – an oddly familiar looking one – and the teddy talked back. Well, more like the Creature put on a stupid voice and pretending the teddy was talking back. Pinching the bridge of his nose he decided just to get it over and done with. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Having a tea party" it replied happily, laughing at a joke that no one said. At least not aloud.

"Why are you talking to a bunch of stuffed animals?"

The Creature looked shocked and grabbed the nearest teddy covering its ears. "Don't say that, you'll upset them."

"My dear", he began, already regretting coming down here, "they are not alive. They do not have feelings and they most definitely are not talking."

The Creature looked glumly down at the teddy in its hands before glaring at the King. "You're just jealous because the voices talk to me and not you."

The following week has been stricken from the history records due to the completely mental breakdown of any who read it.

_A/N – I'm sorry, I'll make the next one better!_


	37. Chapter 37

_A/N – These are getting a little harder to write lol. By the way if you want to see the list it's on Deviant Art and YouTube ^_^_

_YouTube version is by Bowiefan – many thanks for that ^_^_

**Annoying Jareth**

**45 – Bar**

It was a wonderfully gloomy day in the Labyrinth and the King was happy. Why was the King happy? It was quite simple. The Creature was unhappy. He really didn't need any other reason. Of course, he also completely on guard. Rainy days usually meant boredom which usually meant destruction. So when the Creature disappeared outside Jareth decided to bolt the doors, bar the windows and kick a goblin. Perhaps the Creature would drown somewhere and Jareth would be rid of it once and for all. He knew it probably wouldn't happen, but he could hope. When a week went by Jareth's hope grew, but he didn't dare go out and look for a body. _'Knowing my luck I'd fucking find it alive and well', _he thought shuddering.

However, when his goblins started to disappear he became slightly worried. It was only one or two at the start, but now his throne room was empty and the city was quiet. What the hell was a Goblin King supposed to do without any Goblins? Resigning himself to the fact that he was going to have to go out and look for them – and in extension IT as well – he pulled on a large coat and braved the stormy weather of his ever changing Labyrinth.

He finally came across two goblins staggering out of the woods. At first he thought they might have been attacked, but when they started singing a song about a little goblin and called him Merlin the happy little pig he decided it was something much worse. He couldn't remember the last time he'd seen his goblins so drunk. He decided to give them a chance to sober up and grovel before he executed them. _'How dare they call me Merlin?' _Was he starting to look that old? He spent the next half an hour debating whether to go into the forest or go back home to see if he'd sprouted a white beard.

After summoning a mirror and deciding he still looked as gorgeous as ever, Jareth finally made his ways into the forest. By this point it was night – giving the Goblin King a mirror is a wonderful distraction – and he found that most the goblins were travelling the same way as he was. Of course they were trying to be inconspicuous, but they are goblins. A few were staggering towards him before veering off and falling into a nearby bush. When he started to find more comatose bodies lying around he knew he was getting close.

He found a jagged hole in one of his hedges and snarled remembering the creature's "short cut". He pushed some of the more unruly branches out of the way and stepped through. He quickly brushed himself off and looked up. He was sure his jaw had hit the ground as he gawked at the building in front of him. There were goblins sprawled about, doing… goblin things. And drinking excessively. The Creature appeared at the door carrying a tray of pint glasses. He immediately walked over, squared his shoulders and cleared his throat. The Creature turned and smiled sweetly.

"What can I get you love?" It asked.

Remembering some of the insane shows the Creature watched he smiled devilishly and put on his best cockney accent before asking, "Do you have a planning permit for this building?"

The Creature stared at him in a horror, "A what?"

"Planning permit. Ya need permission to build on someone's land. Don't want to be owing 'em anything do ya?"

"But I just work here", the Creature said in a mock fearful tone, a grin already spreading across its face. Jareth just about managed not to roll his eyes, and knew he really shouldn't ask the next question.

"Who's the manager then?"

The Creature grinned and pointed at the neon sign behind the bar which read:

"Merlin's Beard"

Jareth screamed something about not being that old and stormed off, magically summoning another mirror. The Creature shrugged and went back inside; quickly making it's way to the manager's office. An elderly man sat in a comfortable arm chair with a pint glass balanced on his stomach. Sighing he got up and picked up a small bag and rolled up his sleeves, "Look's like we'll have to move again".

_A/N – weird ending I know._

_Merlin the happy little pig is from Blackadder the second._

_The 'elderly gentleman' is from Disney's Sword in the Stone :-D_


	38. Chapter 38

_A/N –Just want to say Thank You again to all the support and love for this fic. Hope you guys keep enjoying!_

**Annoying Jareth**

**46-47 – Everybody needs a hug**

It was a gloomy day in the Goblin Kingdom. The wind howled through the Labyrinthand the rain poured relentlessly. A flash of lightning illuminated the darkened castle; a roll of thunder added the final touches to the over all ominous feel. The storm had raged for a day now and showed no signs of letting up. The goblins had cowered in their homes, and even the Creature had made itself scarce. This kind of storm could mean only one thing. Jareth, the King of the Goblins and Master of the Labyrinth, was in a really foul mood.

It all happened after he had left that awful bar. He'd returned to his castle and caught his reflection in another mirror, one he was sure he hadn't seen before. To his horror he saw an old man with a straggly white beard staring back. The small fact that his 'reflection' was not showing the same terror he was should have given him an inkling that perhaps he was actually looking out one of the newly installed windows, but the Goblin Kings vanity can tend to make him rather stupid. The result was that he sat in his throne room sulking and forced the Labyrinth to sulk as well.

Another flash of lightning illuminated the room and he spotted the Creature skulking around the room. He growled and the heavens roared back making it jump. It stared at him for a moment before continuing its search for, well, whatever it was it was looking for. He heard the rain bounce less forcefully off the roof and sighed. It was hard to keep up a full force gale with that thing loose in the castle. He gave in to curiosity and followed it out of the throne room.

He was mildly surprised to see that most of the castle was still in one piece. He was sure that if his rage didn't break everything the Creature gladly would have, just for the fun of it. In fact, when he looked closer, he could see that some things had been broken but had been carefully put back together. He stared at the Creature then shook his head. _'It couldn't have done it. It must have been my own magic', _he nodded to himself, but continued to follow the strange little being.

When it arrived back at its own room it turned and stared at him again. The King quirked an eyebrow, feeling mildly irritated that his storm had been interrupted for nothing. He had noticed that the wind had stopped howling, and he could only hear the rain pattering gently against the window. The Creature continued to stare at him, and he swore if it said anything about his looks he'd bloody kill it.

He wasn't ready for it. One minute it was inspecting him like a bug under a microscope, the next it lunged at him. He had no way to protect himself. Well, he had magic, but that thing coming at him had somehow made his mind go temporarily blank. Suddenly a pair of arms were wrapped firmly around his waist, a head lay tight against his chest and it was squeezing him. It took him a minute to actually realise what it was doing. He struggled mindlessly, remembered he had magic, and finally pushed it away from him.

"What in gods name do you think you are doing?" He demanded, some of his fury returning. A wind rose up and howled, rattling the windows dangerously. The Creature merely shrugged as it flopped down in front of the TV smiling.

"You looked like you needed a hug. Everyone deserves a hug."

The heat wave that ensued over the next few days reached record heights – but we're not allowed to talk about it.

_A/N – I have no idea…_


	39. Chapter 39

_A/N – Phew, nearly half way there. I thought I'd update quicker coming up to Xmas, as thanks to all those who have been patient and stuck up with my laziness._

**Annoying Jareth**

**48-49 – Why Creatures aren't allowed giant robots**

The days were growing shorter and darker in the Goblin Kingdom. The goblins enjoyed this as they could do what they did best – play dumb – and get to go home early. Jareth would have reprimanded them for their laziness, but he doubted they'd understand. Winter came rarely to the Labyrinth and he was certain the Creatures presence had something to do with it. The Labyrinth could become attuned to whoever was stalking through it's high walls and hedgerows. Usually it simply meant that it would change colours or appearance slightly, but the Creature had been here for so long that it had managed to change the weather and the entire atmosphere. Jareth was quite contented to watch teenagers struggling through the frozen terrain, but they gave up far too easily. It was actually becoming very boring very quickly.

As a way to stave off the unbelievable boredom the Creature decided they should watch a movie together. Apparently this movie was usually played at this time of the year in the mortal world. Jareth agreed. This should give some idea to the depths of the Goblin Kings boredom. The film was surprisingly enjoyable, though he failed to see what people escaping from a World War II camp had to do with winter. He had intended to ask the Creature, but when he turned it had already disappeared. Shrugging he returned to his room. It was too cold in the throne room and that was the perfect excuse to go back to bed.

At first he thought he was dreaming when he heard the famous theme tune assault his ears. However, when he heard the crash and the distinct noise of metal grinding against metal he bolted out of bed, quickly flinging on whatever he could find and raced out the door. He couldn't even imagine what the Creature was up to, but the fact he could still hear that blasted tune meant nothing good. He reached the front door and a giant axe swung past his head. He froze in terror, his heart beating wildly, and sword to murder whoever had told her about that door. He briefly remembered that someone was evidently living in his basement but decided to address that situation later. The Creature had got the thing moving again and was marching around the castle swinging the axe erratically.

He quickly jumped and hovered in the air and pushed off the robots head. The Creature grinned at him happily, "Afternoon".

"What the hell do you think you are doing? How dare you steal my guard!"

The Creature simply smiled at him and said, "Trust me, it's for the good of the nation!" the axe swung around violently, as the Creature had hit the lever due to its bright idea to gesture wildly while speaking. "Blasted thing", he said in an English generals accent before pulling more of the levers.

Jareth, luckily, had hovered above the axe and closer to the Creature. _'Surely it wouldn't be dumb enough to swing the axe at itself', _he thought, but immediately dismissed the idea. It was dumb enough. Jareth quickly flew off as the axe flew backwards, missing them both by inches. "Whoops".

He sped back, determined to make the thing see reason. "And pray tell how stealing my robot is for the good of the nation? Killing yourself I can understand, but I'm sure there's an easier way to do that."

To his horror the Creature laughed, "I'm sure there is my boy but I'm afraid this is top secret! If I told you I'd have to kill you." It looked at him menacingly. Jareth gave up. So did the robot funnily enough. Just like last time smoke began to billow from the cock pit and sparks flew every direction. The King disappeared to take shelter and the Creature quickly jumped. Everything suddenly turned to slow motion, the Creature tumbling through the air as the robot exploded.

Jareth sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose as goblins scurried in to steal the bits of metal before he could stop them. Not that the King really cared. He tiptoed around the debris, looking for a body, when it quickly marched past him with a shovel over its shoulder, whistling happily to itself. He groaned as he watched it start to dig around one of the Labyrinth walls and pour the dirt in its trousers. He wanted to strangle it… but it was far too cold. He went back to bed and dreamt of all the wonderful ways the Creature could die. There were 101.

_A/N: Why is The Great Escape always on at Christmas? And Jareth really should have got rid of that robot after last time. _


	40. The Xmas Special

_A/N – Thought I'd do a wee Xmas Special this year. I was going to use something from the list but thought it would be better if this was separate. It also marks the half way point through the list, yay!_

**Annoying Jareth Christmas Special**

The Labyrinth glistened white as the snow finally settled. It had come down non stop for two days, leaving almost three feet lying on the ground. Jareth found this amusing as most of the goblins were 3 foot tall at the most. The Creature also found this amusing, but that was neither here nor there. A weak sun had risen and the snow shimmered in the light; it was a beautiful day. The King had never celebrated Christmas – it was a silly mortal holiday – but he could understand why they liked snow. He would never play in it or make this odd 'snow men' – because that was stupid and unkingly – but he did enjoy the sight.

That was until he was covered in an avalanche of snow. In retrospect, standing idly at the entrance of the castle had made him an obvious target to the over excited whelp who had insisted he came out in the first place. He dug himself out and looked around furiously. Sure enough, there it was rolling around laughing hysterically. Obviously this could mean only one thing: war. And for once Jareth knew he would not lose. Why? Well, he'd cheat of course. What's the point in having magic if you don't use it to your advantage? Grinning like a Cheshire cat the King marched back inside to plot; and get changed.

After drying off – and fixing his hair – Jareth glanced outside to make sure the Creature was still there. He rolled his eyes when he saw the army of snow men. Moving snow men. He blinked to make sure he'd really saw that, and then sighed. For once he actually felt sorry for the goblins, if though they had been stupid enough to let it cover them in snow. _'I wonder what it's actually up to now', _he shook his head. Attempting to understand the Creature was mental suicide. Last time he'd tried he lost a week of his life. He had tried to remember, but every time he though back all he saw was red as sirens and alarms rang madly. He decided some things were best left forgotten.

As Jareth sat and schemed, the Creature continued building its snow goblin army, complete with weapons – well, icicles. The King was quite impressed that its attention span had lasted more than 5 seconds but immediately became wary. Letting your guard down during war was immensely stupid, and he swore he would not let it get him this time. Whatever it was planning would fail. He wasn't even going back outside. He would get his revenge. But when to do it? He knew it would probably be expecting retaliation today. He would be patient enough though.

It wasn't until the sun fell behind the Labyrinth walls that the Creature ventured back inside. It gazed at him with mild apprehension before darting up the stairs to its 'room'. He grinned to himself before heading out to the Goblin City. He knew most of the goblins had grown to like the Creature, but he also knew they wouldn't dare disobey him. And he was right. They immediately fell into line and he felt a surge of pride. He knew it wasn't exactly loyality – more absolute fear – but still. He quickly made his way back to the castle, his grin growing wider at the thought of the look on the Creatures face. It took him hours to fall asleep, though for once it was from excitement rather than the insanely paranoid thought of the Creature smothering him in his sleep.

Jareth awoke to the sound of a piercing scream. For a moment he was utterly confused, but slowly a smile spread across his face as he realised his plan had been put into action. As much as he wanted to run down and see the look of pure terror on the Creatures face he decided he would take his time. It wasn't until an hour later he bothered to go down to the kitchen and found the Creature hiding in a cupboard. Without a word he reached in and grabbed the coffee. Then he reached in and pulled it out and dumped it on the floor. It scurried into the corner and it took all his control not to grin at its strange antics.

"May I enquire as to why you were cowering in my kitchen cupboard?" he asked before taking his first sip of wonderful caffeine.

"It's awful", it responded shuddering, "it's just awful."

"What is?" he asked, doing a wonderful job of pretending he had no idea what was going on. Not that the Creature noticed. The haunted look on its face filled Jareth with a deep satisfaction and joy.

The Creature opened its mouth to reply when the door was flung open. It took the woman the whole of 5 seconds to find and drag the Creature out of the corner.

"There you are my dear! You gave me quite a fright, screaming like that. You think you'd be a bit more pleased to see your own mother."

The Creature just stared in horror as it was dragged from the kitchen. Jareth merely raised an eyebrow and sipped his coffee. He wasn't going to even attempt to wonder what was going on. It was too damn cold.

It was almost three hours later when it finally reappeared and rounded on him. For a minute it just gibbered at him incoherently, though the wild gestures it made gave him a clear picture of what it was trying to say. It stopped and took a deep breath before forcing out one word, "Why?"

"Why what?" he asked innocently, but he couldn't help the smug look that followed.

"Why that? Out of all the things you could have done, why that?"

Jareth grinned, "Perhaps spending this holiday sober will teach you not to mess with me again." At the Creatures blank look something occurred to Jareth. "Wait… who the hell was that woman? And did she say 'Mother'?"

The Creature stared at him in mild disbelief before diving behind his throne as the sound of footsteps and incessant gossiping echoed through the halls. Gossiping… He could almost feel the fear rippling through the room. A moment later the King joined the Creature behind the throne. He was muttering something along the lines of 'please god no' mixed with a few swears. They heard the door to the room creak open and held their breath. There was silence before a head popped over the top of the throne. The cold smile made both of them shudder.

"Jareth, one would think you didn't want me here."

There was a scoff from behind her, "Children these days."

The King emerged from behind the throne and sighed, "Mother, what are you doing here?"

She smiled, "Well, I had been checking in on you-"

"Spying you mean?" the mortal woman slapped the back of his head.

"Don't interrupt your mother!" She scolded before pulling the Creature from behind the throne and muttering in its ear. It sounded suspiciously like she was commenting on the Creatures choice of men, and from the look on its face his suspicions were confirmed.

"I was checking up on you when I heard you tell your goblins how vital this Christmas thing was to mortals and how they weren't allowed to interfere with your plans. That even if it pleaded with them you were doing it a favour." She smiled sweetly at both of them, "Anyway, I thought that it being such a **vital **holiday to **her **that it would be nice to have a real family dinner."

Both the Creature and Jareth stared in horror at her. "Family dinner?" he repeated, looking frantically between the two grinning women.

"Yes. And of course I had to invite the young lady's mother along as well. It wouldn't have been right it I hadn't. Hardly a family dinner if both families weren't present."

Jareth stared at her aghast. This was worse than anything he'd ever imagined. He wanted to throw them out and hide in his bed, but unfortunately his mother foresaw this and had magically barred all the doors and windows.

Christmas dinner was an excruciating affair. He watched as the two women talked animatedly and shared baby pictures. There had been a few stories which he could blackmail the Creature with, but he heard equally embarrassing ones about himself and decided this night should simply never be mentioned again. By the time the main course was finished he cursed himself for hiding all of the Creatures drink. Then he realised he could just magically summon some from the hiding spot. At first he considered giving some to it, but they came to a mutual agreement. They passed the liquor down the table and grinned as the women got steadily hammered. Then they ran for their lives.

Jareth led them both to the Escher room, and the Creatures eyes lit up as it spotted the mountain of booze that he had hidden. It stared at him for a moment and then groaned when it realised what Jareth's plan had actually been.

"I thought you had invited her here, as revenge."

"Even I'm not that cruel", Jareth scoffed, looking mildly offended, but the sound of clinking heels and off key drunken singing ruined the effect. They quickly disappeared to a different part of the room, carrying armfuls of beer with them. They stopped at the only window in the room and finally decided it was the safest spot and immediately started drinking.

As they stared out at the frozen landscape Jareth spotted a snow goblin running about. He pointed it out to the Creature who laughed.

"What on earth were they for?" he queried, before taking a large gulp of beer. "Trying to attack me?" he attempted to look down on her superiorly but only succeeded in flinging his head back too far and falling over.

"Distraction", the Creature finally managed to say through giggles.

"Huh?" the King asked eloquently.

"I knew your ma was in town. I was gonna use the snow goblins to chase her off."

Jareth snorted, "Pfft. It'd take more than that to get rid of my mother. She'd probably think they were sooo cute", Jareth attempted to mimic a woman fawning over a small puppy and succeeded a little too well.

The Creature giggled uncontrollably, then hiccupped and coughed a lot before managing to catch its breath. "Yea, that's what I was depending on."

"You wanted her to find them cute and cuddly?"

"Yep," the Creature finished its beer before remembering to explain why. "The snow canons only worked at close range."

That night Jareth and the Creature finally found an even ground and made a pact to work together any time their 'family' dared to visit. They drank happily in to the night, plotting their revenge and singing many, many, drunken songs.

_A/N: Merry Christmas everyone. _


	41. Chapter 41

_A/N – Sorry for the delay. I'm a horrible person, I know, but my mind was adrift in a sea of… yea I'm not even going to attempt that one. _

**Annoying Jareth**

**50 – Happy Birthday!**

It had been a normal day so far – well, what Jareth had come to accept as normal anyway. His mother had appeared at around 6am to ask him how old he was now, the goblins had destroyed the kitchen trying to make him a birthday cake and the Creature was already drunk. Or still drunk from the night before; he wasn't sure and couldn't be bothered asking. The ballroom was littered with streamers and feathers – for some reason – and his throne was covered in glitter. Sighing Jareth was tempted to go back to bed. It was only mid morning, but maybe they would all take the hint and leave him alone.

Even when he thought it he knew it was wishful thinking. The goblins continued to tear through the castle, leaving destruction – decorations – in their wake. It did nothing to brighten our fair kings mood. In fact, he made his feelings quite clear by kicking any goblin that dared to go past with yet another neon streamer. He quickly changed direction, heading towards the Creatures "secret" room. _'If I have to stay up, I'm going to need a drink!' _He had thought of looking at his own supplies, but he was certain the Creature had claimed it all quite some time ago. Daring to enter its lair made Jareth wonder just how desperately insane he was getting. Thankfully it was still passed out and drooling on his sparkly throne. He knew it was likely to rear its ugly head soon, but he'd be well hidden and on his way to a spectacular drunken stupor by then.

After kicking another idiotic goblin Jareth slipped down the stairs – not literally – and into the basement. Ignoring the score card that had reappeared on the wall again, a box of his crystal placed precariously on a small table and the overall foreboding feeling he grabbed a case of beer, a bottle of rum, and legged it. The basement still gave him the creeps. Once at the top he paused to consider where he could hide. Absolutely no where was sacred in his castle anymore thanks to that damn Creature. His Escher room was littered with bottles and broken furniture and would most likely be the first place the thing would look. Hell even his bedroom was out of bounds - after a couple of terrifying mornings. He shuddered at the memory. Then he headed for the nearest oubliette.

It was nearly nightfall when the Creature graced him with its presence. He briefly wondered how the hell it had found him, then realised he couldn't care less. By this point he was feeling rather merry and had started getting bored. Thankfully instead of speaking it spotted its missing alcohol and dived in. Quite literally. There was broken glass everywhere… Anyway, after reclaiming some of its alcohol it handed him a badly wrapped present. Jareth choked.

"You're giving me a present?" He inquired, even though all logic dictated that he really shouldn't.

"Well, it's your birthday ain't it? Either that or your goblins have a streamer fetish… which wouldn't be surprising."

"That last could be true", Jareth pondered thoughtfully, ignoring any insinuations that had been added, and then hiccupped. He eyed the present suspiciously, for he remembered all to well his little 'friends' penchant for destroying things. "It's not gonna blow up is it?"

"If it does, it's not my fault", it replied and tossed it at him before proceeding to deplete Jareth's stash of beer.

Jareth swayed slightly as he moved to retrieve the brightly coloured gift – _'is this thing wrapped in bloody streamers?' _– which had fallen at his feet. The Creature laughed. Jareth scowled. Drunken Goblin King's were fun… though their hangovers were scary. It made a quick mental note to pass out somewhere in the Labyrinth that even Jareth himself wouldn't venture to.

The King eyed his present again, and then the Creature who had begun to hum happily to itself. Shrugging he ripped open the package and found this odd cylinder object. After some explaining – drunken explaining mind you – Jareth stared in wonder at his new straighteners. Glittery straighteners. They were the most magnificent thing he had ever seen… recently, anyway.

Squealing with delight he hugged the Creature, much to its displeasure as it dropped its beer, and continued with the usual drunken shenanigans – mainly singing and dancing. The Creature happily hummed along, leading into song after song, most of which he didn't know. Minutes later Jareth declared he was off to "try out this wonderful device".

The next morning, while cutting out clumps of burnt hair, Jareth caught himself humming. He was sure it was something he had been singing the night before. It had to be. Kings do not hum! … without reason. Words began to float around his mind, most of which sounded god awful. They settled on a particular phrase and Jareth groaned. His once mighty gift from the demented Creature squatting in his Labyrinth seemed slightly tainted as the words 'You're so vain, I bet you think this song is about you' echoed through his room.

Jareth paused. _'Wait… echoed? Dammit!'_

_A/N – I apologise. That was an awful ending. _


	42. Chapter 42

_A/N – Woohoo, over the half way mark. Damn this story's been going on for ages hasn't it?_

**Annoying Jareth**

**51 – The speech of… beer?**

Jareth had had quite enough. This Creature hadn't simply worn out its welcome; that had happened about five minutes after its arrival. It had destroyed what little order the King managed to keep in his kingdom, left his nerves – and possibly mind – in a shattered mess, drank all his booze and tried to murder his mother. Admittedly the last was on the 'pros' list, but that was the only one! Well, nearly the only one… but that wasn't the point. The Creature had gone too far! And our fair King had decided it was time to give it a right royal seeing to. First he would yell at it until it cried… scratch that, until it cowered in fear, and then he'd shove his boot up its ass; just to emphasis his point, of course.

And, as usual, the moment he started looking for the Creature, he could not find it. Jareth felt his blood boil as he stalked the castle, and, eventually, the streets of the Goblin City. I know what you all are thinking. Jareth should count his blessings that it had skulked off for the day instead of actively searching for it. You see, Dear Readers, Kings are quite a "proud" breed, and once they get an idea into their heads absolutely nothing will stop them from acting upon it. Look at King Arthur. And Uther. And Alexander… huh…

Goblins scurried this way and that, cowering in fear from their "scary master". Jareth could hear the crunch as his teeth violently grinded together and decided he should take a moment to compose himself. He took a deep breath… and then squawked when the Creature mysterious appeared and poked him in the back. Well, it's not so much that it mysteriously appeared. More that Jareth didn't bother to look behind him as he strode through the town.

He rounded on the Creature and glared. He swore he actually heard a snap as he wrapped his hands around it throat and throttled it. It took him all of five seconds to realise he was actually strangling a goblin, and that the Creature had once again disappeared. By this point our fair king was quite annoyed.

He finally found it slumming in that awful bar that had appeared in his Labyrinth. He eyed the barman warily, and the barman dutifully ignored him. Sometimes first impressions do matter. He stalked over to the corner table and squared up to the already slightly drunk bane of his existence. He opened his mouth and-

It interrupted him. Before he'd even spoke it bloody interrupted him. It said 'shh' cocked its head to the side and called for another beer. He could feel that little vein on his forehead start to throb and was worried it was starting to become a nervous tick. He also noted that everything had taken a slightly red hue, but he didn't really care. "How dare you interrupt me!"

"You didn't say anything", it helpfully pointed out.

"That's because you bloody interrupted me you disgusting little beast! Never in my life have I met a more loathsome creature than you!"

Jareth felt his jaw clench tightly as it cocked its head to the side once again and called for yet another beer.

"Don't you dare ignore me!" Admittedly, he thought it sounded a little desperate and childish but this was not going the way he planned. Then again, did it ever?

"I'm not ignorin' you" it slurred it response.

"This is not a joke! You barge into my kingdom – uninvited! – move into my home, break my stuff, make a mess of my Labyrinth and you drive me insane! I think it is time"-

"Shh."

"What the hell are you doing now?"

"I hear a beer calling me."

Needless to say the bar is no more. Unfortunately, for Jareth that is, the old wizard has moved in with the mysterious woman in the basement. It took him roughly five seconds to figure out what the scoreboard is and start bets.

_A/N – I am so sorry. You all wait for this long for me to finally update and I give you this shit. Bah. I really need to work on my endings don't I?_


	43. Interlude?

_A/N – This one was a little odd to do. And is quite short. Sorry about that but I really couldn't think of anything else to write._

**Annoying Jareth**

**52 – Disclaimers?**

"You know, I'm going to be in so much trouble by the end of this."

"And I should care, why?"

"Because if I go down I'm bringing you with me."

"I see."

"It is all your fault after all."

"I beg your pardon, how is it my fault?"

"You're just so damn easy to annoy."

"I'm sure you could annoy me without stealing other people's material."

"Borrowing."

"Whatever."

…

"Was there something you actually wanted or may I go back to sleep?"

…

"Could you also get off my bed? And out of my room. And while you are at it, get out of my damn kingdom."

"Wake up on the wrong side of the bed?"

"No, I've been woken up at three in the bloody morning to be randomly blamed for 'disclaimers' by an insane and most likely drunk creature. Do you even know what disclaimers are?"

"Statements declaring that you don't own work, characters, music and all that crap."

"Impressive. Now get out"

…

"This is the song that doesn't end"

_A/N – You all know I don't own the Labyrinth and what not. This entire story is testament to what would happen if I did. _


	44. Chapter 44

_A/N – This is what the Muppets do to you O_O_

**Annoying Jareth**

**53 – Goblin kings HATE karaoke**

The day started as it usually did these days. Things broke or exploded – sometimes both. Jareth recalled watching the shattered remains of his straighteners fizzing and popping before blowing into even smaller pieces. And, as always, he blamed the Creature. The goblins were scurrying around making as much noise as possible and the Creature was sitting in his throne singing. Sighing he grabbed its collar and tossing it across the room he wondered why he bothered getting up. He watched its face smash into the stone floor and felt a little better, and also mildly intrigued as to how it kept singing, though it was slightly muffled now.

A few minutes later and its revenged was complete as it had somehow managed to get all the goblins to join in with what had to be the easiest song on the planet. The Creature would say 'Manah Manah' and the goblins would follow with a chorus of 'doo doo, doo doo doo'. He still shouted at them for it. This was a working castle after all, or at least it was supposed to be. He informed them of such. The Creature ignored him of course, but he had come to expect as much. He didn't care. He really didn't.

He spent the rest of the day listening to it singing at him. It had moved on from the original "song", though returned to it quite frequently so that it seemed to continuously echo around the castle. It wasn't too bad until the Creature found a microphone. He didn't know where it had found it and decided he really didn't want to know either. It was when the Creature started improvising – generally by adding his name and wonderfully colourful language – that he decided it was time to put an end to this little game.

"My dear, you have successfully aggravated me and distracted me from my work. There should be plenty of composers rolling in their graves at your awful singing and disturbing lyrics. I never want to hear my name and the word suspenders in the same sentence again. Do I make myself clear?"

The Creature stared blankly over his shoulder and Jareth gave up. At least it had stopped singing. He turned to walk off and stopped. He stared in frozen horror. While he'd been trying to escape the wretched singing the goblins had turned his throne room into a karaoke bar. The old 'barman' nodded in acknowledgement and then returned to serving his customers. As soon as the first tune started he bolted.

Jareth spent the rest of the night cowering in a far corner in the Escher room and plotted his revenge against those traitorous little monsters. He would've left the Castle all together but he didn't out of fear of what they'd do next. Oddly enough, the Creature had joined him. It was drinking at a rate that the king would have found alarming, if he actually gave a damn about the thing. It shuddered as the high pitch whine of a goblin actually managed to penetrate through the walls. Apparently it hated karaoke too.

_A/N – Gah, I really do hate karaoke. Even beer can't destroy the woefulness. _

_Also, slight Monty Python reference in there, and I have to give thanks to the series Bagenders for reminding me of it. Two thumbs up if you spot it!_


	45. Chapter 45

_A/N – This things been going on for ages hasn't it? I am enjoying though, hope you all are too. _

**Annoying Jareth**

**54 – Owl fetish… seriously?**

Jareth had accepted that life would never be normal again. He had also accepted that destroying the Creature was impossible. By all laws of physics, nature and karma the thing should have been killed ten times over. He accepted its odd quirks. He still absolutely despised it, but he accepted that it was an odd screwed up psychopathic little thing that would forever be the bane of his existence. So when it started winking at him and grinning inanely, he casually turned and walked the other way.

That plan failed miserably of course because the loathsome little monster followed him bloody everywhere. But alas, as history has always foretold, the mighty must always deal with the unbelievably moronic. Take Merlin for example. _'Speaking of which…' _Jareth nodded at the old man who was peering out of the basement door. The old man looked between him and the Creature grinned and quickly disappeared back down into the basement. Jareth decided to ignore this and move on. So did the Creature oddly enough.

He tried not to pay any attention to it. He tried desperately, but that insane and creepy grin made the hair on the back of his neck stand on end. He shuddered as it winked at him again and said "Alright Darlin'" in a broad accent that he didn't care to place. He decided going for a long fly and torturing some unsuspecting mice would make him feel better. It did not.

The moment he transformed he heard an inhuman squeal and the Creature leapt at him. His feathers ruffled in surprise – and from sticky hands – he quickly took flight to find higher ground. He looked down at the sprawled mass that was the Creature and gawked as it rolled around with some of _his _feathers. And drooling on them. The King felt mildly disgusted. He thought he should voice his disgust. In other words he flew down and started pecking the Creature on the head.

After losing a few more feathers he decided to cut his losses and high tail it out of there. When he returned he found that the Creature had made a shrine out of his mane and seemed to be transfixed as it swayed slowly in front of it. The old man had re-emerged from the basement and was also watching this strange little show. He shook his head solemnly and muttered something about "addicts". At the Kings questioning look the man decided to inform Jareth about Fetishes. In much detail. No sleep was had for a very, very long time.

_A/N – that was a crap ending wasn't it? Sorry I think I'm running out of steam… and I actually should be packing lol. And yes, the Creature is acting like an overgrown cat. _


	46. Chapter 46

_A/N – Hope this one is a little funnier. Ignore the title. I had Jane Austin stuck in my head. Don't worry though, she died a horrible death ^_^_

_Also, I moved house which is why there's been no updates for a wee while. _

**Annoying Jareth**

**55 – Oh my, I do say!**

To say that our fair King was growing tired is an understatement. To say he was going mildly insane and spent his days dreaming of wonderfully horrific ways to murder the Creature would be more accurate. So of course it's new little phase, trick, game, whatever it was, had Jareth glaring at a stone wall, seething.

He had simply told the damn thing to stop following him when it suddenly keeled over. He would have said swooned but psychotic little monsters do not swoon. The sound of it's skull on stone was music to his ears, as always, but he felt a mild loss as to what to do. He could kick it while it was down, but what was the point? The idiot did more damage to itself than he had ever done to it. Jareth wasn't sure if he was happy about that. He kicked it once to cheer himself up then moved on.

It happened twice more and Jareth, finally, figured out what was going on. For some bizarre reason when he shouted at it, it pretended to faint. He felt rather chuffed that he had caught on to its "game", and also a little puzzled as to why it would injure itself for such a stupid reason, but who was he to stop it? He also reassured himself that he had never caught on before because the idea of thinking as it did was simply revolting.

Jareth decided this was a game he could play. If it wanted to knock its brain cells out every time he yelled at it then so be it. In fact, he'd be more than happy to encourage it to do so. He set out to find the insane little bugger and shout at it, watch it faint, wake it up and shout at it again. He even had a jug of freezing water with him in case kicking it didn't wake it. Not that he honestly believed kicking it would wake it, but how could he miss such a golden opportunity? As far as plans go, it had really buggered this one up.

He wasn't surprised when it stopped. Actually he was slightly concerned that the idiot may have knocked out its last brain cell, and he never got concerned about anyone, let alone that little monster. He cocked an eyebrow down at dazed and drooling Creature.

"So, my dear, what have we learnt about playing foolish pranks?" He asked.

The Creature's dull gaze met his and he swore he could see the insanity lurking just beneath. It was like an evil force that was unstoppable, even if there were no brain cells to support it.

"Plan, Prepare, Present…" It trailed off, a glob of drool spilling from its chin. It wondered off, banging into walls as it went.

He stared after it and shuddered. It could be surprisingly lucid yet moronic when it was bored and had no alcohol. It was funny, but down right creepy at the same time. He vowed never to move its beer stash again.

_A/N - I know I know, the end sort of tailed off. I gotta admit I got a little lost half way through about what to write. I promise to try better next time ^_^_


	47. Happy New Year

_A/N – Making up for being lazy_

**Annoying Jareth**

**A New Year's Party to Remember**

Jareth was becoming worried. The Creature had skulked off to its room a few days ago and had barely emerged except for food and beer. After last years disaster he'd spent the days approaching Christmas panicking. He'd been worried that it'd been planning something awful. Luckily enough the day passed uneventfully… except for the goblins getting shitfaced. Not that that was overly surprising. However, with the New Year a mere 12 hours away he could feel that familiar sensation of doom come over him. And not just any doom; the doom that comes from alcohol, glitter, giant hats, random and unexplainable traffic cones and karaoke.

He'd spotted it slipping down into the basement and knew without a shadow of a doubt that he wouldn't remember anything that happened by tomorrow. To make sure of that he grabbed the nearest thing containing alcohol. It was blue, had no label and seemed to have been meticulously placed on the arm of his throne. He choose to ignore this coincidence and shuddered at the odd cough mediciny taste.

This also meant our King barely noticed the Creature slip in. However, as he predicted, it was rather hard to ignore the masses of glitter that suddenly fluttered through the room. _'damn that movie and the glitter fetishist!' _he thought as he took another drink from the mysterious phial before concluding it was a bad idea and stole some of the Creatures beer. Oddly enough it didn't complain. The way it stared at the blue alcohol made him feel rather uneasy. Or was that the unidentifiable drink itself?

It didn't take long for the thing to start a party. Odder yet was the mass of people that poured in, greeting him like they had known him for years yet he was certain he had never met a single one of them before. The music that assaulted his ears he knew were from many, many years before 2011, though he was quite sure the point of this was to celebrate the previous year and welcome in the next. Well, he may have considered that if he hadn't have been downing beer like it was lemonade and starting to feel rather drunk. Mostly what went through his mind was _'I'll kill that git if he touches my beer', 'Where is my beer?' _and _'Did the bane of my existence just slap my arse?'._

Now that the party was in full swing Jareth didn't feel as hostile to the idea as he did before. The alcohol probably helped, but even the Creature did seem to be less obnoxious. Hell he even smiled when the strange old man that was living in his basement nodded a greeting. He seemed to be escorting someone slightly familiar, but the long cloak covered the being from head to toe, and honestly at that moment he didn't really care. The goblins were running about wildly… actually so were most of the people as well. He briefly wondered if it would be cruel to make the Creature clean this up, and then decided that it was a fantastic idea. He looked over at the little monster that had found itself a secluded corner and was attempting to drink itself into oblivion.

He actually decided to join it. Him, Jareth, King of the Goblins, Lord of the Glitter… _'Wait what?' _He remembered the previous Christmas again, but this time it wasn't the horrible part he remembered. In fact what he did remember put a small smile on his face. He saw the Creature staring horrified as some guests pulled out a microphone. It was perfect timing. He cleared his throat, catching its attention.

"Escher room my dear?"

He found the look of pure relief hilarious, until the first screeching note and ear splitting feedback that only the tone deaf seem impervious to shattered the crystal ball he'd been tossing. Okay it is possible he dropped it, but he'd never admit that. They quickly retreated, taking a modest portion of alcohol with them.

They drank well into the night, talking crap and cheerfully toasting a new year. The King was stunned that he could wish this thing well, but he assured him self it most definitely was the alcohol talking. He quickly glanced outside and the Creature quirked an eyebrow at him.

"Just looking out for snow goblins"

Jareth did enjoy the reaction but his outfit was un-amused at being soaked in beer spit.

"Come on, it was an awesome idea!" It grinned manically at him.

He decided this deserved a special toast. The reappearance of the strange blue stuff was most appreciated. He knew he wasn't going to be able to walk anytime soon but he didn't care. Thankfully it didn't taste like much anymore.

"Happy New Year" he told it merrily. Well, slurred merrily.

"Here's to many more", it cheerfully replied.

Shame Jareth decided to dismiss that comment as sentimental drivel.

_A/N – the mysterious blue liquid with no label actually comes from a house party I went to years ago. Made shots fun lol. Actually yea this entire thing is based on random house parties. _

_Also sorry for it being a bit on the short side._


	48. Chapter 48

_A/N – I am getting rather lax aren't I?_

**Annoying Jareth**

**56 – No, MY throne**

Jareth was sure he had to be dreaming. He blinked a few times, trying to dispel the utterly bone chilling image before him. It was still there. The Creature was sitting on his throne, commanding his goblins, with his riding crop. It was an absolute travesty. _'How dare this thing take my riding crop? I mean my throne!' _He was not more concerned about his riding crop. Suggesting so would lead to far too many questions our King would prefer not to answer. The real problem was that every time he tried to sit down it literally threw itself at his throne. It really didn't seem worth worrying himself over so he shrugged and went into the kitchens.

Ignoring the insane little beast that forcibly inhabited his domain would have been the best, and easiest, solution, but mere moments later the King found himself wandering back towards the throne room. He just could not ignore such utter defiance and disrespect. This was his kingdom and that was his throne… that the thing currently seemed to be lounging over in ways he decided to wipe from his memory, therefore cannot be described here. All that he remembers is screaming "My eyes!" and once again fleeing.

Apart from the mild amnesia, as far as pranks went Jareth thought this one was a little lame. Well actually he found it excruciatingly dull, as lame is not a word a King would use to describe anything that wasn't limping. And if it was limping, it better have a damn good reason. That reason, hopefully, being him.

Watching it lounge on his throne was still rather grotesque, but he could live with it… if he wiped his memory every few seconds. The goblins running about calling it 'your majesty' he could not live with. They were always looking for excuses to slack of and the damn creature always provided ones for them. The Escher room was still full of empty liquor bottles and conspicuously placed valuables – _'yes, yes, a lot of those bottles are mine, but I am King and should be treated as such!'_ – The kitchens were overflowing with dirty dishes, Sir what's-his-face and his "horse" smelt permanently of wet dog and that damn Fiery the Creature caught was, well, setting fire to things; His things to be precise. A well aimed crystal ball to the head sorted that last problem. _'It could solve the first as well'_ he mused.

It did not solve the problem. Actually, it made things much worse. The Creature, armed with the Mighty Cricket Bat of Glittery Doom – so named after this escapade – had whacked the crystal ball which exploded in a puff of glittery smoke. When it cleared Jareth found himself sitting on his throne. He felt rather smug for roughly 2.5 seconds. He then spotted a bewildered looking version of himself running around in circles. He looked down. He pinched the bride of his nose and sighed. The Creature screamed. It was going to be a long day.

_A/N – I was going to say I may have overused the word glittery… but this is the Labyrinth we're talking about._


	49. Chapter 49

_A/N – Sorry it's been so long. I lost the pen drive with all my fics on it when I moved so, yea._

**Annoying Jareth**

**57 + 58 – Why does it keep happening?**

It was truly mind boggling. He watched the Creature continued to run in circles screaming, and cringed as he saw his own face slamming into a wall. He silently prayed when he managed to change them back that the little shit hadn't bruised his face. Smashed face or not, the silence was actually a relief. The squealing almost made his ears bleed.

Jareth got up and quickly ran to his room, a trail of confused goblins trailing behind him. He slammed the door on their annoying gibberish and sighed. He took a look in the mirror, cringing. Then he grinned. He realised he'd just been given an extraordinary opportunity that he simply couldn't pass up. He ran out of his room, trampling on a few goblins, and made his way to the basement. Unfortunately he bumped into the old man before he could reach the door. The old man gave him a confused look.

Jareth cocked an eyebrow and went to side step him, only to have the old man move with him. He huffed and tried going the other way. The same happened again. The old man smiled. "Can I help you your majesty?"

Jareth gaped. He took a quick look in the nearest mirror. He still looked like the Creature. He glared at the old man. "How did you know?"

"I know many things your Majesty."

Jareth scoffed. "Come now. Just tell me."

The old man shrugged. "Very well." He sat down on an old wooden rocking chair that seemed to appear from nowhere. "Well, the first hint I had that you two had switched was when I saw you run past me screaming something about beer and parties." He took a draw from a pipe that also seemed to appear from thin air. "I then got my second clue when you ran back past me cackling about how you've 'always wanted to do this' while carrying a bag of glitter." He took another puff and stroked a dog that – you know what? Just assume everything this man has appeared out of nowhere. "My finally clue was when I heard the music and all the goblins running into the Escher room." He stopped rocking and took out his pipe. "Didn't seem like the kind of thing you'd do."

Jareth nodded, letting the information sink in. Then he hightailed it to his beloved Escher room. _'Why is it always that room?' _He burst in and immediately wanted to gouge out his eyes. He saw himself strutting across the ceiling singing a rather apt song called 'Dancing on the ceiling'. He sounded quite good… the thrusting was a little disturbing though. He pulled out a crystal ball and threw it at the Creature's head. Relief washed over him as he found himself back in his own body. Upside down. And mid thrust. He glared down at the Creature.

There was a blinding flash of light and the Creature was off, the echo of manic laughter following behind it. Jareth felt a pang of dread. He sighed, hopped down and made his way back to the throne room. He could have chased after the little psycho, but he was quite sure he'd been humiliated enough. He sat on his throne and resigned himself to suffer the consequences of whatever that flash was.

He didn't have to wait long as a goblin rushed in waving a shiny piece of paper. Jareth gaped. Out of all the time he had spent with mortals, he forgot about cameras. As soon as he found the Creature's he swore he would destroy it. Not that it mattered much; everyone now had an image of the King strutting his stuff, rather drunkenly, across his Escher room. No one would believe it wasn't him. It was more the principle of the thing. That and stopping the image from ever leaving the castle. If his mother… Jareth stopped and shuddered. It didn't bare thinking about. And that was the moment he spotted one of his crystals glowing, his mothers demented smile flashing at him. "My dear boy, I didn't think you had it in you!"

Jareth swore he would make the Creature rue this day.


End file.
